A Look into my Ordinary Life

The Holidays

2011-01-06T17:08:00.000-08:00

I know I have three more months to update about Connor, but they'll probably have to wait until Monday comes. I don't know how it works in other branches of the military, but in the Navy everyone gets leave around the holidays, first leave (around Christmas time) and second leave (around New Years). Well J had second leave so he's been home all week. Spending time with the hubby and the baby have made it kind of difficult to do much of anything. But once life gets back to normal I'll be able to finish all my updates while Connor's napping.

So how was everyone's holidays?

Ours was perfect. It was just J, Connor and me, which was absolutely wonderful. J had duty (once a week they have to stay on the ship overnight to do watches and stuff) on Christmas Eve, so Connor and I had to wait and open presents until he got home Christmas morning. he got home around 9:30 and after he got settled in we opened presents. Connor was real interested in grabbing the wrapping paper, so J would pull the present away once he had a hold of the paper, giving Connor the opportunity to help open his presents without even knowing it. We got through twenty minutes of present unwrapping before Connor got cranky and had to be laid down for a nap. We opened the rest of the presents (Connor got a TON) once we laid him down and then we played with the new "toys" we got. We had ribs, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and corn bread for dinner. I'm a once a year traditional holiday meal person and since we had the whole traditional shabang at Thanksgiving we wanted to do something different for Christmas dinner. It was a perfect, low key day. I do have a few pictures, so I'll post them up in a few days.

On New Years Eve, we were suppose to go to a friend's house, but when we were getting ready to leave Connor got SUPER cranky, so we decided to stay home instead. J and I stayed up till like one watching the season eight of Scrubs (love that show).

Well, that's all I have for now. I promise you'll have a lot to read next week.

Month Two

2010-12-28T22:19:00.000-08:00

Connor's second month brought about some big changes for us. When he was about 1 1/2 months, my dad and stepmom drove us back to Florida so we could be home when J's ship pulled in. The drive is about nineteen hours (which we did in two days) and my little man did wonderfully.

Connor started smiling during his second month, and it wasn't just the "i have gas" smile. Oh and let me tell you, I'm very spoiled when it comes to my baby's sleep schedule. By the time he was two months old he would only wake up once or twice a night!!

The most exciting thing that happened during Connor's second month was his daddy coming home!! J's ship pulled in two days before Connor turned two months and J got to meet his son for the first time. I was so excited to reunite my little family.

Month One

2010-12-28T21:58:00.000-08:00

So we spent Connor's first month in Texas living with my dad and my stepmom. We tried breastfeeding, but unfortunately I am one of those unlucky women who do not produce milk, so my baby is formula fed. When he was two weeks, my sister and I drove up to Oklahoma (it is a 4 1/2 hour drive) to visit my mom for her birthday. He did wonderful in the car, even back then! By the time he was a month old he weighed 8 pounds and 14 ounces!! We didn't really have any big milestones during his first month.

Here's some pictures of his first month!!

Connor's first bath

shielding out the light

Connor with Mommy and Grandma

my mom's cat was three times the size of Connor when he was two weeks old!!

a few days shy of a month old

a month old

his favorite activity...eating

Connor's Birth Day

2010-12-28T21:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know if you remember, but my due date for Connor was on July 27. My new doctor in Texas (who also delivered my niece...haha no this was not coincidental) started checking me at 35 weeks and at my 35 week appointment he told me that I was 1-2 cm dilated already. At 36 weeks I was 1 1/2 cm, at 37 I was 2 cm and at 39 weeks I was 3 cm. By 38 weeks I was begging to be induced because I was extremely uncomfortable because of the baby being so low, me being so big and it being so hot out. To my surprise the doctor agreed to the induction and it was scheduled for two days later!! I left my appointment in shock at the fact that in a few days I was going to finally meet my little man.

Since I was dilated and thinning I didn't have to go to the hospital the night before to get Cervadil. My stepmom and I went to the hospital at five in the morning on the 22nd. By the time they got all my admitting paperwork done, my IV started, blood drawn and pitocin started it was around seven in the morning. The nurse checked me after starting the pitocin (or right before I can't remember) and I was 4 1/2 cm (after only two days). The doctor came in and broke my water at 9 am and I was 6 cm. Probably about 15 minutes after getting my water broken I got an epidural because I didn't know how much longer it was gonna take and I didn't know how much worse the pain was gonna get and I'm a real big wuss when it comes to pain. Unfortunately, my epidural started to wear off pretty quickly and within half and a hour I could feel my contractions on the right side. My nurse came in and checked me at ten and I was fully dilated and ready to push. I pushed for an hour and a half (at the end I felt every contraction and the baby come out!!) and had to have an episiotomy. My precious baby boy was born at 11:30 AM. So all together my labor was only 4 1/2 hours long, which my doctor bragged about the rest of the day :) He weighed 6 lbs 11 oz and he was 19 1/4 inches long. We were in the hospital for about 36 hours because Connor's glucose levels had to be monitored because of my GD. Overall,

I had an amazing birth experience (except for the fact that J wasn't there and his mother was in the room even though I told her several times I didn't want her to be) and I really can't wait to experience it again in a few years.

Enjoy the pictures below!

Just minutes old

Getting cleaned off

Proud Momma

Welcome to the world Connor Aden

admiring the new baby

Connor had to have certain glucose levels. Since I was breastfeeding there were times I had to give him formula through a syringe to get his levels high enough

I'm BAAACK

2010-12-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Wow I can't believe how fast ten months can go by!! It feels like just yesterday that I posted Connor's ultrasound pictures and now my baby is five months old. There has been so much that have happened in the last ten months and I cannot wait to share everything with you ladies!! Hmm...where to start?? Well, sometime in March (or maybe April, I really can't remember) we found out that my stepmom's breast cancer had returned ( read here for the story of the first time she had it). I was devastated because she was suppose to be the person that came to Florida to be with me when the baby was born (J was deployed and he didn't get back until Connor was two months old) and there was a chance she wasn't going to be able to come. After finding out this news and much deliberation with my parents and my mother in law, I decided that when I went back to Texas for my baby sister's graduation I was just going to stay there and have the baby back home so I wasn't alone (which really would have sucked because I live forty five minutes away from the navy hospital). So one of my sisters flew to Florida to help me drive to Texas (by this time I'm just shy of 32 weeks and my dad didn't want me to try and make a NINETEEN hour drive by myself). On the day that I was suppose to pick her up from the airport my car started acting up and come to find out that there's a chance the engine will seize up if we try and drive it all the way to Texas, so we had to rent a car!! Being back in Texas was great though. I got to spend a lot of time with my niece (who is now two) and my family. It really sucked not having a car, but my baby sister drove me wherever I needed to go (including ALL of my doctor's appointments). We joked around that she was the stand in husband since J wasn't there. My parents drove me back home Labor Day weekend and a few weeks later J's ship came home!! A few days later we bought a new car (whoot whoot!!) and made the drive back to Texas to take his mom home, get our dogs and so everyone could see him. It has been awesome being our own little family. J deploys again in August or September, which is gonna suck, but he'll be here for Connor's birthday and he's seeing all of Connor's first holidays so I'm pretty excited about that.

Well ladies I have a lot more stuff to update about, so I'm gonna split all the new info up into several blogs. Stay tuned for Connor's birth day and months 1-5 (pictures included!!)

Other Ultrasound Pictures

2010-02-17T07:38:00.000-08:00

Side view

Looks like an alien!! :)

Hand on face

We have baby!!!

He or She???

2010-02-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

Can you guess the sex??

Miss Me???

2010-02-17T07:25:00.000-08:00

Yes I'm still alive and yes even though I continually tell y'all that I'm going to be a better blogger I keep disappearing for long periods of time. I'm still here I promise ;) Are you ready for some updates, because I have some fun ones!!!

*They did end up diagnosing me with gestational diabetes. So far it's not too bad. I have to check my blood sugar four times a day and watch what I eat. My doctor did tell me that because I did develop it so early that later on I may have problems controlling it. Hopefully when we reach that point that doesn't become the truth because I REALLY don't want to go on insulin shots (I'm terrified of needles, I'd never be able to poke myself daily)

*This Monday I had my appointment and ultrasound with the genetic counselor. She told me that my chemical pregnancies were more than likely caused by the PCOS and not the MTHFR. She told me that I really don't need to worry about the MTHFR, which is a good weight off my shoulders. This also means that down the line I'll be more willing to try for another child. After finding out about the MTHFR I had flat out told J that I didn't want anymore children after this.

*Even though I was just shy of 17 weeks when they did my ultrasound on Monday they were still able to tell me the gender of the baby :) I bet y'all wanna know what it is don't you?? I'll post the ultrasound pictures next and see if you can guess ;)

*Sad news: J left on deployment again on Valentine's Day (yes, Valentine's Day...crappy huh?? Why they couldn't wait one more day I have no idea). He'll be gone for a good while, like seven or eight months. That's the normal deployment length in the Navy. I'm very sad because he's missing out and he won't be able to come home for the birth.

Well I think that about wraps it up. I'm not making any promises this time because I suck at keeping up with my blog right now, but we'll see what happens. I miss talking to you girls!!

Ultrasound Pictures

2010-01-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

My ultrasound pictures at 10 weeks and 6 days

I'm alive I promise

2010-01-13T17:58:00.001-08:00

Wow, bad blogger Meg...bad blogger!!

Okay ladies I'm sorry for not updating in a MONTH!! Being preggo makes me REALLY tired so I try to get all the sleep I can get while I still can. I'm so worn out that I made them cut my hours down at work so I can sleep more lol. So lets see...let's start with the preggo updates:

- at 6 weeks and 3 days I had some bright red spotting and cramping. Of course I'm extremely paranoid from losing two other pregnancies that I rushed right to the ER. They did a pelvic, drew blood and did an ultrasound and everything came back fine. I had a yeast infection and an overabundance of bacteria that is found in the down there already so they think that may have caused it. The ultrasound tech was really cool and let me sneak a peak of the baby and told me the ultrasound results even though he wasn't suppose to. Definitely put my mind to ease.

-I had my first appointment on January 4th and we got another ultrasound. I was 10 weeks and 6 days which meant that it actually looked like a baby more than a tadpole. As soon as the baby popped up on the screen I started crying because I was so scared that there was going to be a dead baby in there. We got to hear the heart beat and everything and the baby had a very strong heartbeat of 174. The midwife decided to do a bunch of blood work because of the chemical pregnancies and she did a one hour glucose because of the PCOS.

-Well the one hour came back and I failed it!! I was not at all surprised. Now I have to take the 3 hour one already and if I fail that one then she says I have gestational diabetes, even though it's pretty early on to develop it. She thinks it has to do with the insulin resistance that is associated with the PCOS and it will mean I end up on medication if I fail.

-Most of my blood work has come back normal, expect for one thing. I have a genetic mutation called MTHFR, which has probably been the cause of the CP. I added a link so y'all could read up on it because it's so complicated to explain. We have to go see a genetic counselor now, we're just waiting on the referral through Tricare.

It makes me sad to think of how hard it has been to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It seems to me that maybe all this is a sign. I have decided that if I am able to carry this child all the way that this is it. I honestly do not think I can continue to go through all the heartbreak. It's sad, but I'm willing to except the fact that maybe I'm not meant to have tons of children of my own.

The hubby has been out to sea over the past week and of course I get the news while he's gone. Now I'm waiting for him to call me to come pick him up so I can tell him what crappy luck we continue to have.

Okay, enough of a pity party.

On a better note...I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I thank God for every day that I am able to carry this baby.

Oh and I have ultrasound pictures. I have to reload the printer software onto the computer and then I will be able to scan them in...look for pictures!!

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving y'all, I hope you're having a good holiday so far. I am currently sitting here watching the Macy's Day Parade and making some chocolate chip cookies (which aren't turning out as well as they should...I keep forgetting about them) that I will be taking with me in a bit to my friend's house. We are going to a friend's house for Thanksgiving today. I am very excited, she's an awesome cook!! Tomorrow that same friend and I are going to shopping. I've never actually been shopping on Black Friday because I've always had to work. So I really want to go out just for the experience. Then on Saturday we are cleaning house, rearranging furniture AND putting up decorations. Yes, I am one of those people that go Christmas crazy the day after Thanksgiving. If given the chance I'd probably put up decorations at the beginning of November, lol.

Everything is going good on the baby front. I am still pregnant :) which is a miracle to me. I've been really tired, I have to go to the bathroom ALL the time, my boobs hurt SO bad, and I only get queasy every once in a while. Oh and did I mention the mood swings...well I sure do have those. I have been relishing every single symptom because in my mind it means the bean is snuggled in for a long time. I just hope everything continues to progress this nicely.

State of Shock

2009-11-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

So I went to the clinic on base yesterday to get a pregnancy test done...

It was positive

I'm still in shock. Someone else has confirmed what I saw on the pee stick. I'm not crazy anymore. I really am pregnant. J said that he feels good about it this time and he thinks I'll be able to carry this baby.

At the clinic you have to take a class to give you info on what to expect to happen throughout the pregnancy and birth. My class is December 8th and then I'll get to make an appointment with one of the OBs at the clinic. I will definitely continue taking a test once a week for piece of mind till I get to see the baby.

Please keep your fingers crossed that this continues to work out :)

Round Three

2009-11-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

Yep, we are pregnant again!! This is the third time, but the most beautiful line I've ever seen. I never got a dark line with the two chemical pregnancies. They were the barely there lines that I almost could have imaged. But this baby showed up immediately and I watched in amazement as the line just got darker and darker. The most amazing part...this is how dark the line was in the afternoon after only holding my pee for an hour and a half and drinking a can of soda in that time.

I am only four weeks and I'm very nervous. I'm so scared that this will just end in disappointment once again but at the same time I have a feeling...

I almost feel like it's time, this is finally going to be my baby. I'm going tomorrow to get a test done at the clinic and I think I'm going to call the RE's office and see if they will bring me in to do blood and test my progesterone to make sure that wasn't my problem before.

I promise to keep the updates coming and please keep all crossables crossed that this bean is snuggled in tight and it STICKS!!

RE Appointment

2009-10-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

So much has happened within the last week, I have so much to tell you guys. So I decided to grow some balls and finally make my appointment for the RE last Tuesday. Turns out they had a new patient cancellation for the next day...talk about shocked I wasn't prepared to be sitting in the doctor's office that quickly. So I went and did that and I've ALREADY had two other appointments. This doctor's office does not play around. I had an HSG on Tuesday and an ultrasound and phsyical on Wednesday. My HSG was clear (yeay) and it was extremely uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn't handle. It was cool to watch everything fill up with the dye and it definitely brought a sense of relief as I watched that dye spread through my reproductive system. The ultrasound on Wednesday definitely confirmed the PCOS diagnosis. Both of my ovaries are polycystic. The NP also thinks that I have either a dermoid cyst or an endometrioma on my right ovary. My doctor came in and also caused pain to figure out where they needed to look during the laparoscopy. Yes, a laparoscopy. Based on my history he thinks that I also have endometriosis. So I should be having the surgery within the next one to two months. I'm very nervous about it because I do not react well the general anesthesia. I think after the surgery is when they are going to decide what course of action they need to take. So right now we just need to get J's SA done and I have to get my glucose tested (because of the PCOS) and I have to make an appointment with the general surgeon that will assist on my lap. Keep your fingers crossed that we are one step closer in our journey ladies!!

Partylite

2009-09-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

Do y'all know what Partylite candles are?? They are awesome yummy smelling candles and I have become addicted. I have a friend who hosts candle parties every once in a while and I have to say I have fallen in love. I got this yummy smelling fragrance along with this cute candle holder to go with it. I also got this adorable candle set for Christmas. I got all my stuff today from my friend and I'm so excited, like a kid on Christmas morning. They have tons of cute stuff for Christmas, so I'll probably buy a few things off the website here and there :-)

TTC Update

2009-09-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

I continue to be a very bad blogger and I'm sorry. I have missed the input of you ladies, but I promise I have faithfully read your blogs everyday, even if I have not commented. I have tried a few times, but it seems on certain blogs I cannot leave comments (like your blog Kari and I ALWAYS have things to say) anymore. I really do want to be a better blogger so I've decided that I'm going to revamp my blog posts (more to come on that later). Here's some updates on what's been going on with me lately:

I was able to get pregnant for the second time (the cycle right after my chemical). I took 3 internet cheapies and two digitals:

All five came back positive. I went to the clinic the next day to get it confirmed and the test at the clinic came back negative. A few days later I started cramping very badly and bleeding and I knew...another chemical. I was devastated that this could happen twice in a row. I've since come to terms with the second CP and we're trucking through a new cycle currently. I decided to try out soy. I've been reading about it on the TTC boards and I figured it wasn't going to hurt anything, so why not. I'm pretty sure I've already ovulated (a week or so earlier than I had been so that's exciting), but I was pretty bad with temps a few days ago so I'm not sure. I also have a referral to an RE finally, but I've been too chicken to make an appointment. I mean I know I have IF, but it seems actually going to see someone about my fertility is making it real. Like I could pretend everything was fine, but now I have to face it. I'm also scared that there's more wrong than just the PCOS and I'm VERY scared they're going to tell me I'll never be able to have babies. Unfortunately my brain always goes the the worst case scenarios, even if it probably isn't the case.

Mid Year Evaluation

2009-07-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

I was looking through my old blog posts and I found the goals that I set for the beginning of the year. I thought I'd evaluate them since 2009 is almost half way gone and I'd see how well I'm progressing.

-I've decided that I need to find a job. I hate feeling like I'm mooching (I know that it's "our" money but I've always been independent financially), but I don't want just any job. I want a job that I feel some sort of satisfaction at so I don't end up job hopping until I'm done with school just because I hate what I do. Check. Lol it is only McDonald's and I don't really get any "job satisfaction" but at least I'm contributing to the cash flowing coming into our household.

-I really want to take a vacation. In a perfect world I would want to travel to another country just because the only one I've ever been to is Canada and I aspire to be a world traveler. But I figure I'll compromise to visit somewhere in the US that I haven't been to yet. So by the end of 2009 I will have gone to Disney World at least once. I figure it's close to home and I've ALWAYS wanted to go there ever since I was a little kid. Disney has a FANTASTIC deal for the military and it's because of this deal that we are going to be able to make this "dream" of mine a reality. We have been saving up and hopefully in October I will get to check this goal off my list. It'll be a fun thing to do around anniversary time.

-Ideally I would like to be debt free by the start of 2010. Unfortunately, we have too much debt for that to be a reality so I'm settling for half the credit card debt paid off. We have approximately $8000 so I figure $4000 paid off is a reasonable goal for a year. Ugh we aren't even going to begin to discuss this one. I am no where close to reaching my goal and I don't think I'll ever be. I wish I could win a million dollars so I would be set.

-I really hate the fact that I rarely get to see my husband because of the Navy. So I've decided that I am going to make the time we have this year the best it can be. When he's home date nights will be instituted again (I'm a real homebody so it's hard for me to want to go out sometimes) and I will try to make sure we're not going to the same places EVERY TIME because it sucks falling into a rut. Okay I am failing miserably at this goal. I am attached to my husband's hip when we're both off work because I can't get enough of the man, but we don't ever do anything. Part of it is we really don't have the money, but still I could make an effort. We rarely go out and when we do it's to the same places. This is my fault (bad Megan) and something I need to work on.

-I also want to be moved out of our apartment. Realistically we're not in a place in our life where we can buy a house, but I at least want to rent one. I want a place for my pups to be able to play (Henry loves being outside) and get the outdoor exposure that they desire. I'm also tired of having people all around me and it would be nice to have a little space. This is not going to happen. This was a big goal of mine so I looked and researched and decided that it just wasn't a possibility. We don't really have the money to do another deposit and another first months rent. We don't have the money to rent a truck to move all our stuff either. Plus after we sign our new lease our rent only goes up ten dollars a month so living here is still pretty cheap. So it's been decided that we'll stay in the apartment another year and we'll reevulate next summer.

3 Year Anniversary

2009-07-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

This month marks three years since DH and I decided that we were going to try and have a baby. I have seen MANY people get pregnant and have babies. In fact my friend's baby (she got pregnant the month we started trying) is two now. It just blows my mind that a twenty year old couldn't get pregnant easily, but three years later here I am. It was a very sad cycle for me, but at the same time very informative. I got faint positives on FRER on 10DPO, 11DPO and 12 DPO. Then yesterday morning nothing and I started spotting. This morning I have lovely cramps and AF is here full force. I think it is easier for me to deal with blank FRER than what I've dealt with this month. I thought it was really it. I thought we had done it. But in a way we kinda did right?? Until now I've never even had a chemical pregnancy. So we know that we were preggo even for a BRIEF moment. It gives me hope. So I'm taking the things we did do different (we had sex three days before I ovulated and I layed on my stomach instead of my back because of my inverted uterus) and try again next month.

Catching Up

2009-07-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

So much for posting more often, right?? So lets see, what's been going on:

I have a friend who has decided to adopt through the state of Florida. They already have two boys, but her and her husband wants a girl and of course wants to help out a child so their going the adoption route. They are currently going through the classes that Florida requires prospective adoptive and foster parents to take. So to help them out I've been babysitting their boys on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think it's awesome that they're adopting and it gives me an insight into the adoption process in Florida when we decide to adopt too.

Plus...I got a free bed out of the deal. Her and her husband bought a new king sized mattress set for their bedroom, so they had an extra queen sized mattress set. She gave me the one out of the guest room that has only been used a few times and we got that over to our apartment on Saturday. It has been a GOD SEND!! We had a full sized in their before and it was uncomfortable to sleep because there just was not enough bed. So I have been sleeping a lot better over the last few nights :)

My classes ended last Sunday. I did HORRIBLE!! I lost my motivation and my drive and I just screwed off. I'm kicking myself in the butt now, but hey it's too late to worry about it. I started my new ones today and after that week break I am ready to do fantastic.

The job is going well too. I work about 25-30 hours a week and I love the people I work with. It's not to bad for being a job to get me out of the house.

We might be going to Disneyworld in October. Disneyworld has this deal right now where people serving in the military get a free 5-day ticket and they get up to 5 tickets for family for 99 dollars. I've been waiting to use this until it cools down and our anniversary is in October so I figured it would be a great anniversary trip.

Justin's ship is leaving from the middle of November until the 22nd of December. A WHOLE MONTH!!! This means we won't be able to go home for Christmas. Luckily, we had already planned on not going home. I really want to spend Christmas with just my husband, this just gives me a good excuse to give everyone else.

Oh and I'm 9DPO and of course waiting anxiously to test. BD timing was way off, but there's a slight chance. Definitely do not have my hopes up, but it would be nice :)

Jessica

2009-06-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you about my friend Jessica?? Jessica was my next door neighbor when we lived in Texas and we've become very close...in fact she's probably one of the best friends I have. Well right before J left for his first deployment Jessie told me she was pregnant so her and her fiance were postponing the wedding (they were suppose to get married in November 2008). I was a tad hurt at first but quickly got over it because, well it's my Jessie and I can't stay angry at her for anything. Well, she had her baby on May 6th and we were lucky enough to be in town visiting so we got to see him before we went home. Here's some pictures of Alex (that's his name, Alexander Nicholas, I love it so old school) so we can all share in his cuteness :)

Alex in the hospital

The first day they brought him home

The proud new mom with her baby

I'm Moving On

2009-06-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

This morning I was woken up by a text. It was my friend Terra and she tells me that she's pregnant. Her and this guy have been going out for a few months (BUT we've known him for a few years, and I always knew they were meant to be together). Normally I would be pissed if someone told me they were pregnant, but I wasn't...I was happy...First off it was Terra. I could never be mad at anything Terra says and I know she wanted to be a mom (they weren't trying it just happened but we've talked about this in the past). I also think that I'm past the point that I'm jealous of people getting pregnant when I can't. I have left the fate of whether I will naturally have a baby or not in God's hands and I think I can be genuinely happy when listening to other's good news. :) it's such a good feeling to not feel angry and upset

Updates

2009-06-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm not pregnant...I figured as much but I still had my hopes up. I've been cramping for the past three days and it finally came this evening. Oh well off to the next cycle, I think I'm going to temp again just so I know when I ovulate.

I lost my purse on Friday. I went to Walmart to buy my friend's daughter a birthday present and I think that I left it in my cart when i got out to my car. I was on the phone so I was definitely not paying attention to what I was doing. I am such a scatter brain when it comes to my stuff it doesn't surprise me in the least. But stupid me had my social security card in my purse so I have to get ANOTHER new one...grrr. Luckily my military id and debit card were in my car so at least I can still get on base and I still have at least one way to pay for things.

Trying not to get my hopes up

2009-05-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

Okay so I REALLY need some help...I have taken some tests lately and I need help decifering them. Okay the first picture is two HPTS and an OPK. The OPK definitely had a visible pink line, but it wasn't a positive in OPK standards. The HPTs look like they have a line to me, but I just can't tell.

I'm only on CD 26, and my signs show that I probably ovulated on either CD 16 or 17 (I didn't temp this cycle. So I'm probably 9 or 10 DPO, so I know it's really early. I tested today thought because my LP is fairly short, it was only 11 days last cycle. So I guess I'm going to test in a few days if AF doesn't come in the next few days. So tell me if I'm imagining the lines on the HPTs...lol I'm sure my brain is starting to form them every where I look!!

***update***

Okay I've been obsessively staring at the actual tests ALL night and I've decided that I have FOUR evap lines. Ugh...but I'm not giving up hope yet because I'm only 9 or 10 DPO. So I'll be testing again in a few days

Getting a cat

2009-05-27T21:42:00.001-07:00

The other day I came home from work and there was a cat near our stairs so I called it over to me so I could pet it. It was such a cute cat and it was really skinny so I gave it some of the chicken sandwich I had brought home work. I wanted to bring it home with me, but I knew better.

Okay, side tracking real quick. I have a funny story:

When I was a senior in high school I had this boyfriend in the Air Force. He was a very loving man and he treated me like a princess. I had expressed the fact that I wanted a cat (my dad hates cats and wouldn't let me have one), so one day he found this really cute kitten in the bushes and brought it back to his apartment for me. The cat was adorable and we named her Spazi. We had this cat for a few weeks and then we got RING WORM. My poor boyfriend had 60-70 spots on his body because he let the dang cat sleep with him. We had to rub athlete's foot medication on them (ring worm is the same kind of bacteria) and then my dad heard you can put bleach on the spots and it will kill the bacteria. Well, my family had gone camping and I had one on my upper lip so my dad bleached it. The smell of bleach is gross as it is but when it's right under your nose it's especially awful. We definitely learned our lesson: never bring home a stray animal without getting it checked out first.

So after I interacted with this cat I decided that I wanted to get a cat. I love cats. We had a cat when we lived in Texas, but we had to get rid of her. She would have never made the drive with the dogs and she doesn't do well with change and I just didn't want to put her through that. Thankfully she's with this really sweet old lady now and she's the queen of the house. Anyways, I asked J if we could get a new cat and he said yes!! We agreed that we're going to try to adopt a kitten from the pound. Now normally I would try to get a full grown cat because everyone wants kittens, but we want the cat to grow up with the dogs so it's not terrified of them. So hopefully in July (we need to get caught up on bills before we get another animal) I'll be getting a new kitty!!

My Quirks

2009-05-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

When I sit and think about myself I realize I'm a very quirky person. I've decided to write a list of things that make me "special" that people may not realize. So here it is:

I have a fear of being in large crowds, especially if I end up being touched by people I don't know. It gives me the willies.
I have a hard time leaving the house. I have to be in the right mood to be able to go somewhere. Oftentimes I get anxiety attacks, especially if I'm going somewhere I'm not familiar with. I think that if I don't get help I will eventually become an agoraphobic, but I'm too stubborn to get help.
I hate holding babies. It's really funny considering I so desperately want a baby of my own. I'm always scared that I'm going to do something wrong and hurt the baby. Hopefully it will be different when I have my own child.
I have given up on the idea of ever having my own child. I believe that God wants me to adopt. J and I decided that we'll adopt in a few years if I don't get pregnant so I'm just riding out the time.
I'm a very picky eater, but not because of the way food TASTES. I have a big thing about textures and if it doesn't feel right in my mouth it makes me gag and I can't eat it.
When I was younger I wanted to be a chef. I wanted to work a cruise ship so that way I could travel.
I have a problem talking on the phone with people I don't know. I dread having to call to make doctor's appointments, having to call customer support (I had to do this a lot at Lowe's), and calling for food. I make J call whenever we get food delivered and if he's not home I eat pizza because I can order it off the internet.
When I was in high school the psychiatrist I was seeing diagnosed me as bipolar. I personally think he was a little of his rocker. I wonder if he had never met a really moody teenager with clinical depression...
I've always wanted to learn how to knit, but I'm too impatient to learn

Haylee

2009-05-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while (life is very BORING right now) so I thought I'd post some pictures of Haylee. I love showing off my beautiful niece :) She's going to be six months in a little less than two weeks...crazy how the time flies. Before we know it it's going to be December and she's going to be a year. Enjoy the pictures!!

Mickey Ds

2009-05-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

I started my new job yesterday and let me tell you I was pretty nervous before I went in. I normally get nervous when I start a new job because I have to go through the process of meeting new people again, which I hate (I'm a very antisocial person). So not only was I nervous about being the "new person", I was nervous about not remembering how to do anything.

I worked at McDonalds back in high school. McDonalds was my first job EVER and I worked there for three years (the longest I've EVER held a job) and worked my way up to swing manager before I left. It's also been three years since I worked there.

Well let me tell you, I was nervous for nothing. I'm doing pretty good (there have been things I've had to get use to) and things are coming back as I go. It's just like riding a bike (I wonder if I can do that, it's been years since I've ridden one!!). The store manager was in there tonight and she told me as I walked back that she's been hearing good things about me (I haven't had the privilege of actually working with her yet). I looked at her and had to ask her to repeat herself just be sure...I'm glad that they're talking about me and it's GOOD things!!

I've had fun so far and I'm so glad to be out of the house, but ask me in a month and we'll see how I feel then :)

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-05-14T20:50:00.001-07:00

You know I've done a lot of thinking about the whole TTC situation and here's what I've come up with. With military health insurance they do not cover ART procedures. They only cover fertility drugs (only for use with natural methods of conceiving) and any testing to figure out cause of infertility. My theory is, there is a chance that even when you go through fertility treatments there is still a chance you end up with no baby in the end. Because of this fact we have decided that instead of spending our money on something that may not work, if we cannot get pregnant with fertility drugs or on our own we are adopting. At least I will know that our efforts will end in with a child that way.

So since I wanted to be a mom by 25, if I'm not pregnant we will start the adoption process if we're not pregnant by the time I turn 25. I thought giving up on IUIs and IVFs would make me sad, but knowing there is eventually light at the end of the tunnel puts me at ease. It makes trying easier because I know if it doesn't work I will have a baby eventually.

My step mom told me when I found out it would be hard to conceive that maybe I was meant to be one of those people who is meant to be a mom to a child that wouldn't otherwise have one. That statement at the time pissed me off, but now I find truth in it, and even better I find comfort in it.

So that is our current plan (I did talk to J about what I thought and he agreed), so we'll see what happens next.

I'm BAAACK

2009-05-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hey ladies!! I know I have been MIA for a while now, I'm such a bad blogger :) Things have been pretty uneventful here in Florida, lets see if I can get y'all caught back up:

Having J back has been wonderful. I've already been through my first cycle, which was a bust...the only bad part about it was my LP was only 11 days, but I did ovulate which I was pretty excited about!!
My friend had her baby while we were there. She is one of the few people that I wasn't jealous when they got pregnant because she has scarring on her ovaries so they told her it would be hard for her to get pregnant. So I couldn't help but be happy when I saw that beautiful baby boy!!
We had a great time in Texas and Oklahoma. It rained the whole weekend we were in Oklahoma and we had to drug my dog (the gold one) because he's a puss and is scared of thunderstorms. I loved spending time with my niece. She's five months now and I got to feed her and bathe her, which is always fun :)
I got a job today!! It's only at Mickey Ds, but hey money is money right?? The economy and job market in Jacksonville is CRAP so it was pretty much my only choice.

Well, I think that's about it!! I promise now that things are settled down and back to normal I'll be blogging more!!

He's HOME

2009-04-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

So, having him home has been amazing!! The first day he didn't get to come home because he had duty (which meant he had to stay on the ship that night), but I picked him up at 8:30 in the morning yesterday. We spent the whole day together and it was just wonderful. They warned us at our reintegration brief that things may be awkward, but it wasn't at all. And I was so worried about the intimacy part for NOTHING, it was WONDERFULLY AMAZING ;) (giggle, giggle) I attached a picture of their ship and a few pictures of us. I'm SOO HAPPY to have him home though!!

Almost there!!!

2009-04-13T00:44:00.001-07:00

It's getting close ladies!!! J will be home in LESS THAN A WEEK!!! It didn't fully hit me until tonight how excited I really am and how much I really did miss him. You know what that means though, time to jump back into BBTs, OPKs, herbal supplements and LOTS of BDing (gotta make up for seven months). It was nice to have a seven month break, but I am definitely ready to jump back on the TTC train. I started taking EPO, Vitex, and baby aspirin. I hope it helps and I figure it couldn't hurt. Oh, and I am now sitting at 200 lbs. It wasn't 10% of my body weight, but it was close and hopefully it helps kick start my ovulation again. Wish me luck and hopefully I won't have to move on to fertility drugs...I've got all my crossables crossed!!

Haylee Pictures

2009-04-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me some new pictures of my niece, Haylee today. She's only four months old but she's getting so big!!!

Mom Update

2009-04-08T19:58:00.000-07:00

My mom emailed me today and told me that the radiation is shrinking the tumors, but she'll probably have to go through it for a few more months. It's been a slow and steady process, but just keep praying that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel soon...

Nervous

2009-04-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

J is coming home in a few weeks and I'm starting to get nervous.

Not nervous to see him, I'm excited as heck for that, but I'm nervous for what is suppose to happen afterwards...ya know in the bedroom...

I always think what if he doesn't find me attractive anymore or what if I don't know how to do it right anymore...and those are just a few of the crazy thoughts that fly through my head when I think about it. I know most of my thoughts are irrational, but I still can't help them.

I know most of the ladies that read this have dealt with deployments before, so I need input please!!!

Beach pictures

2009-04-04T14:19:00.001-07:00

My cousin left today...I cried...

I am normally a loner so last night I thought I was ready for her to leave, boy was I wrong. When we got to the airport and they got ready to go through security I started crying. I liked having someone here that I'm really close to, even if it meant I had to have a social life (I'm normally a real homebody). We went to the beach yesterday as our last hurrah and it was a gorgeous day. We had a lot of fun and I posted a picture of my cousin's baby and us. Thank goodness my husband comes home in a few weeks or I would have completely broken down today.

Tornado Warning

2009-03-29T00:27:00.000-07:00

I am writing this from the floor in my hallway...yes you heard it right

I was watching Pearl Harbor for the second time tonight (the first time I only caught the last hour) and all of the sudden a tornado warning flashed across my screen. Growing up in the middle of Tornado Alley I knew what to do, but I kinda just sat there. I flipped to local channels, but it's not like in Texas, no one was broadcasting where the tornado was spotted or anything. So then I decided to go outside.

It sounded eerie outside...

So I freaked out and decided to head for the hallway...the puss dog (Henry is scared of thunder) is still with me, Sammie got tired of sitting in the hallway.

The warning has been over for fifteen minutes, but I'm still a little freaked out. There's just been too many run ins in my day.

When I was younger we stayed with my aunt for a week. She was bringing us back to our townhouse and as we were driving through town to get home the sirens were going off. We had seen like 3 funnels (none had touched down thank god) outside of town.

A tornado landed near the house that my dad lived in when we lived in Iowa. My dad was driving my sister and I back to my mom's so we weren't there, but still freaky. That tornado took the roof off of high school in the town.

I was out at my friends house horseback riding and when I came home it turns out there were tornado warnings. The tornado was near the road where I was driving and I didn't even know.

Last summer when J was in "A" school I was out at my parents house and it was storming real bad so I stayed out there until it blew over. I was driving back to my apartment and the lights at the end of the road were out. Turns out there was a tornado like maybe a mile from my apartment.

I've always been lucky, but you never know luck runs out right?? All I can say is bad storms freak me out. I hate that we moved to Florida just for the reason that there are hurricanes here. My favorite place had to be Alaska...you never had thunderstorms, just rain. No tornadoes, no hurricanes...just earthquakes. But never the big ones like in California.

Doggie Jail

2009-03-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my dad today and he told me a story that about made me pee my pants...Sooo, I want to share it with you!!!

(Before you read this I need to explain something. My dad and mom bought three Labrador retrievers within a year of each other. They have a yellow one, a black one, and a chocolate one. Affectionately they call Coco the "Mexican" one. It's all a big joke and I don't want anyone to take offense of the story!!)

My dad called and after a few minutes I started asking about a few of my sisters. My sister "C" moved out with her boyfriend about a month ago and she took her dog Coco with her.

I asked How "C" liked living with boyfriend and my dad said: "Good, but Coco got into a Mexican knife fight and got thrown in doggie jail. She narrowly missed the electric chair."

Instantly, I was like "huh?"

So he says this time: "'C' took Coco to a family reunion. She got into a Mexican knife fight. A little girl pulled a knife on her so she bit the little girl. This landed her in the doggie jail for ten days."

Okay, at first I was stunned (and mind you I believed him the entire time) and of course I was like "poor Coco" and then I just busted up laughing...because who could believe a little girl would pull a knife on a dog, but it was still a funny story.

Now here's what really happened. "C" did take Coco to her boyfriend's family reunion. Boyfriend's sister has a daughter (who my baby sister loves) who, according to my dad, Coco was playing with all day with no problems. Coco was taking a nap on the floor and the little girl came up behind her and scared her so Coco nipped at her and got her above the eye (Coco is a big dog). The mom of the little girl is the one who decided that Coco needed to go to "doggie jail" but did raise a stink until FIVE DAYS AFTER her daughter got bitten.

Poor Coco, I'm sure she didn't mean to bite the little girl, she was just scared...

Bleh

2009-03-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sick...again!! I think I've been sick more in the past two months than I have in an entire year. Maybe it's stress...maybe it's the fact that I've been around lots of little kids, I dunno. My mom wanted me to go to the doctor and I laughed at her. I know she just wants to make sure that I feel better for when my cousin and her baby comes, but I hate doctors. I'll be fine, ya know?

On a good note, my cousin will be here in FOUR days. We're going to go to the zoo and go out to the beach since my cousin or her son has never been to the ocean. I'm very excited to share that beautiful place with them.

Less than 25 days till J gets home. I'm very excited about that. *doing a happy dance* Lol

Only Half Here

2009-03-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

I know I've been a bad poster lately.

I've just been so blah lately. This deployment is starting to strain me and I'm just ready for my hubby to be home. I've tried very hard to keep up appearances with my friends, but lately I've just been more content to stay by myself in the apartment. I've been doing half-a** at school because I just can't concentrate anymore. All I can say is the next forty days need to FLY.

On that note, my cousin will be here in two and a half weeks. I'm very excited to see her and her baby. I haven't seen him in almost a year and he's grown so much. We're going to take him to the zoo (I love the zoo).

My air conditioner was busted the last few days. It hadn't reached more than eighty degrees, but it was like 85 degrees at one point in my apartment and my poor puppies were miserable. And it's only destined to get hotter and muggier down here so I didn't want to keep subjecting them to the miserableness.

I'm excited for the last few weeks before J comes home. I get to pamper myself (I had to scrimp the entire deployment and we finally have quite a bit of extra money, yeay!!), so I'm going to get a pedi and mani and I'm going to buy a new outfit for homecoming. And I'm going to get Henry (my cocker spaniel mix...the pretty golden one) groomed (the poor baby needs it. Sammie I can do by myself and will, but Henry won't let me come near him with clippers, lol.

I'm thinking about trading in my car (PT Cruiser) this summer to buy a truck for my hubby. We currently have two vehicles, but we're selling my husband's truck because it's a standard and I can't drive it while he's always gone because I suck at driving a standard. We can't afford to have two vehicle payments, but we can afford to trade in my car and have a truck payment. Well, I hate my car and J has never had a new vehicle (his first car was a hand me down from his grandma's boyfriend and his truck was his mom's), so I'm very excited to do this. I'm going to try to surprise him, I just hope it works.

Pat on the back

2009-03-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

So I just finished doing our taxes for this year and I am feeling like patting myself on that back.

I've never done taxes before and it makes me feel like a grown up. My dad always use to do them and then last year we had them done professionally.

But Megan is a big girl now and is so proud of herself!!!

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-02-23T10:36:00.000-08:00

I've always tried to make it seem like my birthday was never a big deal, but really it is. I like everyone acknowledging the fact that it's my day. I like that I have one day out of the year where it's pretty much guaranteed that my dad's going to be nice, what I want for dinner is a big deal, and everything is focused on me. Throughout the rest of the year I kind of just blend into the woodwork, I don't really matter. But then that one day rolls around I get phone calls from people that don't call for months and everyone is nice. I wish it could be like this the rest of the year. But, it's not. So sadly as soon as my special day is over I will fade away again until next year.

Cancer Update

2009-02-23T04:57:00.000-08:00

I talked to my stepmom last night.

She's not on chemo for the week. They switched her back to radiation. After the week on radiation they'll do more tests. Depending on what the tests say she'll either start round two of chemo or she'll stay on radiation.

I'm starting to get the feeling that this is more serious than my dad originally let on. I mean cancer is ALWAYS serious, but it's obviously worse than last time (when she just had radiation). And I talked to my sister the other day and SHE told me that mom told her that the cancer was in her chest wall, which is NOT what my dad told me.

I don't know. I just hope that she doesn't have to do more chemo.

And I really hope I don't lose her. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it scares the s**t outta me.

Updates

2009-02-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

Hey ladies, I know I haven't written in a while but there just hasn't been a whole lot going on.

I just got over a stomach virus. I've decided that I'm holing myself up in the house for a while, because it seems everything I visit friends I end up sick again...lol

I'm doing good on the weight loss front. I've lost nine pounds in the past three weeks!!

I started my new classes last week and I'm loving them. I didn't get the best grades in my last two classes. But, I passed, they're over and done with so I'm not sweating it.

I haven't told J that I'm starting to doubt that we should try and have a baby right now. I've been on the fence with this for a while. I've got the bills back in order and the hubby's spending habits back in order and by the time he comes home I'll have a few big ticket items paid off. I'm just so scared that once we do get pregnant that something will happen and we'll not be able to afford a baby. I'm also scared of having to raise the baby by myself because of J never being home. I just don't know what to do, because we both want a baby so badly. So I'm still sitting here debating it. I have time, he won't be home for a few more months.

My cousin is coming down at the end of March!! I'm excited she's finally coming. She was suppose to be here in January and then it turned into February and now it's the end of March. But it'll give me something to do before J comes home. A week after she leaves my mother in law will be here so I'll be plenty busy.

I think that's about it!!

Fur Babies

2009-02-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, just want to add a little happiness to my page so everyone look at my puppies and say AWW!!! Lol

No Babies for Me

2009-02-06T12:46:00.001-08:00

Ok, so this is not going to be a positive post, but I am so frustrated with life I need to get everything off my chest.

First off I'm sick. No biggie normally but I've been sick off and on for TWO WEEKS now. It seems like every time I get better something else hits me. Uggh!!!! My friend thinks I have strep (this week it's been my throat and I started losing my voice last night and today) and so I made a doctor's appointment so she'd leave me alone. If you don't remember, I hate doctor's, I'm terrified to go to doctor's. Hopefully I feel fine by Monday and I can cancel it.

Ok, onto my BIG rant. I have decided that I am done with the whole TTC process. When J got back from deployment we were going to start plugging away again, right?? Well my stupid husband has spent ALL our money on this STUPID deployment so I've decided that if we can barely support ourselves, how in the heck are we going to be able to support a baby. My friend V actually put it in a good way. She said "Megan you can't have a baby when you're taking care of a baby right now." She was talking about my husband and he is like taking care of a little kid. It drives me up the WALL!!!

I guess it's better this way anyways. It would have been like I was a single parent because he's NEVER going to be home.

Okay I have to put something positive. I lost 2.4 pounds the first week I started doing Weight Watchers again. YEAY!!

Postive Thoughts

2009-01-30T22:30:00.001-08:00

My posts have been downers lately and I hate the negative turn my life has seem to taken. I was always the eternal optimist, trying to find the good in EVERYTHING and now all that seems to flow out of my fingertips is the bad news. So for the next week anything I write is going to be cheery and if it isn't call me on it. So lets see, what good things have been happening?

1. My birthday is in less than a month!!!!!! I love my birthday and this year we're eating pizza. I LOVE PIZZA it's my FAVORITE food EVER!!!!

2. Even though the hubby is off to sea I have people to spend Valentine's Day with. A few friends, with kids in tow, and I are going to one of my favorite restaurants in Jacksonville.

3. I have lost like five pounds since I left my mom's a few weeks ago!!! YEAY!!!!

4. I'm starting two new classes on the 9th. One of them is an Education class, so I'm finally getting into my classes for my major which is awesome. And that means no more English classes, double yeay!!! (English is not my forte)

5. February is the shortest month of the year which means we'll get through it faster and get into March. March is the month before J comes back so that's exciting.

6. J comes back in less than 80 days. We started off with 218 so that's amazing to be under 80.

7. I get to go see my niece again in a few months

Ok, I can go on and on and on. I'm going to make it a point of saying positive things and thinking positive thoughts.

Update

2009-01-29T16:13:00.001-08:00

I got an email from my step mom today. She had pneumonia while she was doing radiation so the radiation didn't do what it was suppose to. So the next step...chemotherapy.

I'm devastated...

Everyone keep her in your prayers please

Miscarriage

2009-01-24T15:23:00.000-08:00

Two days before I left OKC to come back home my mom and I went out shopping to try to find her some more nice outfits that she could wear to her site visits (my mom is in pharmacy school and they have to go to different pharmacies to get different pharmacy experiences). As we pulled into the parking lot of the shopping center her phone rang.

I could only hear her side of the conversation but after a few minutes of listening I knew who she was talking to and who they were talking about and my heart sunk.

After my mom got off the phone I didn't even give her a chance to tell me what happened.

"K had a miscarriage."

She didn't even have to tell me I knew.

My cousin was pregnant with her second child. I guess when she hit 10 or 11 weeks the baby stopped growing. 3 weeks later my cousin started bleeding and so her mom took her to the emergency room where they told her she had lost the baby.

I actually wrote about this cousin back in November. She already has one baby who is nine months old and for a long time she was on welfare. She's a wonderful mother to her son but I didn't feel she was prepared to have another.

I cried the day I found out she lost her baby. I felt horrible because I held ill feelings towards her because I felt it wasn't fair. We try so hard to have a baby and my cousin is a "fertile mertile." She's one of my best friends and I was MAD at her for not being more careful.

So I cried for not being more supportive and being selfish by wallowing in my self pity longer than I should have.

Chained to the apartment??

2009-01-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

Ugh I got another email from my husband today. That stupid j*ck**s (I use that term in the most loving manner, lol) waits weeks at a time to email me (at one point it was a month between emails) and then when I do get emails I get infuriated!!!!

So his email says that he wants to take the laptop with him on his next deployment because "it sucks writing emails on his psp." Really? THEY HAVE COMPUTERS ON THE SHIP. Email me from your ship email doofus. That laptop is MY LIFELINE and he wants to take it away!!!!

Okay I'm going to back up for a minute. Right before J left I decided I wanted to go back to school but I tried that whole sitting in school thing and I hated it so I decided to do classes online. Although we do have computers, a desk top and a laptop, I like being able to have the laptop because it gives me the choice of traveling to see my family if I want (when I went back to Texas and OKC for the month I had classes to do part of the time and I wouldn't have been able to go home if it weren't for the laptop).

SO, him taking the laptop would mean I would be STUCK in the apartment for SEVEN MONTHS and my baby sister is graduating like a month after he would leave so I HAVE to be able to leave Florida.

Now poor J doesn't realize this. He's even offering to fix my desktop (it's crappy and it runs slows and freezes on me a lot) up so I can actually use it. So then why was I in tears when I read his email? I just feel like I am sacrificing so much this deployment and it's just another sacrifice he's asking of me, whether he realizes it or not. Now I haven't told him this, because my email wouldn't have been pretty. But if he wants to take the laptop he better buy me a new one!!!

Haylee Jo

2009-01-20T21:13:00.000-08:00

This TTC process has been really hard, so I thought seeing a new baby would just send my blood boiling. In fact, when I first arrived home I refused to hold the baby, made up some lame excuse about "being scared to hold babies" or something stupid like that. Truth is, I'm not afraid to hold babies, I LOVE to hold babies, but it's come to the point I'm so jealous that the babies I'm holding aren't mind that I just try to avoid it at all costs. Well that all changed when I FINALLY held my niece for the first time. She is so freakin adorable that I couldn't hold the fact she wasn't mine against her.

I mean who could resist that face??

So now I tote the title of Aunt proudly. I love Miss Haylee unconditionally and it makes me sad that we're not closer so I can see her more. I hope that when I finally do get the blessing of my own child he/she is as adorable and as lovable as my niece is.

Chemo

2009-01-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting to post this for a few reasons. First, I was trying to let everything sink in and trying to get settled back in Florida. And then when I got ready to post I didn't want to make it seem I was just posting because of what was happening to Candi's mom (I hate it to seem like I try to steal people's spot light, even if that wouldn't have been the case).

Anyways, here goes:

My mom and I were driving back to OKC from Iowa (we had to go up to help my grandparents clean up because of a water pipe that burst in their house while they were away) and my dad called.

Quick detour to make the story make sense: My stepmom had to have a lump removed from her breast the day after I arrived in Texas. This is the third one they've found so far (starting back when I was in high school), the first one was cancerous the other one wasn't. This lump has grown quicker than the other two did, it grew at an alarming rate and it might have EXPLODED (my mom's words not mine) if they hadn't removed it. Anyways they did the testing on the lump which catches us up to my story.

Well, my dad calls to tell me the test has come back on my mom's (stepmom but her and my dad have been married FOREVER she's been part of my life since I was nine and once upon a time she was more of a mom than my biological mom was) lumpectomy and it's cancerous...

All he tells me is that they're going to have to do three weeks of radiation and that was that. I never asked when they were starting, what happens if it doesn't work, NOTHING...I was in a state of shock.

Well, he called me a few days ago to see if I had made it home and I found the courage to ask the questions I couldn't ask before. This is what I found out:

She has already started radiation
When she finishes the radiation they will do more tests to see if it cleared up the hot spots around where the lump was
If the radiation doesn't work she'll have to go through chemotherapy

CHEMOTHERAPY!?!?! By then I was choking back the tears, I didn't want my dad to hear me cry. When the first lump turned up cancerous she had to go through the radiation and that was all it took. But even the mention of chemotherapy scares the s*** out of me. I know that it's a little too early to tell if she'll have to go that far, but something about this feels different. The fact that the lump grew SO QUICKLY makes me think that it's not going to be as easy this time around. But then again I may be wrong.

I hope to God I'm wrong...

Oops

2009-01-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

So, I really hate technology right now...

J called me the night that I arrived to OKC, but I was so tired that I slept like a baby. I was sleeping so hard that I didn't even hear the phone ring when he called (a rarity for me anymore!!). In that first voice mail he said that he would try to call back New Year's Day.

So I kept the phone right under my pillow and made sure it was set to the LOUDEST ringer on my phone so there was no chance that I would miss another phone call. New Year's came and went without a phone call, so I was SEEING RED because I totally thought that he had forgotten about me.

Fast forward to today. My mom and I might be driving up to Iowa tomorrow to go help her parent's so I went to call my grandma (dad's mom) to tell her so that way I could go visit her also when we got there (they live in the same town). My phone wouldn't let me put any calls through, but I figured it was just because I wasn't getting any bars in the garage. So I eventually called my phone from my mom's and it went straight to voice mail. Weird, I had paid the bill and it's ON so why would it go straight to voice mail?

So I went inside and turned it off and then back on and all the sudden five texts pop up on my phone, and....a voice mail. I checked the voice mail and it was J!!!! My stupid A** phone froze and so I missed his phone call AGAIN!!!!!! And here I was pissed at him because I thought HE had forgotten about me and all along it was my phone being a jack***.

Now I feel horrible because to me it looks like I ignored him (I don't know if he thinks of it that way, but you never know) and here I was about ready to kill him because I thought he was having "too good of a time" to call me.

Uggh I hate this d*** phone!!!

Halfway Point

2009-01-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

December 30th was the halfway point for this deployment. So we've finally reached the hump and it's downhill from here. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Every time I see him again after being away for a while I'm always scared that what attracted him to me will be magically gone and then our marriage will be done. It's such a paranoid thought, but he's seeing exotic women around the world and I'm a frumpy housewife from Nebraska. How can I compare? Ugh, I can be a neurotic mess sometimes.

Goals for the New Year

2009-01-01T20:19:00.001-08:00

The year of 2008 really wasn't a good year for me. My husband was gone for most of it and I really felt lost without him. So, I've been reflecting on what a crappy time I had and I've decided that I'm going to make 2009 better. I've made a list of goals (I like the word goals instead of resolutions personally).

-I've decided that I need to find a job. I hate feeling like I'm mooching (I know that it's "our" money but I've always been independent financially), but I don't want just any job. I want a job that I feel some sort of satisfaction at so I don't end up job hopping until I'm done with school just because I hate what I do.

-I really want to take a vacation. In a perfect world I would want to travel to another country just because the only one I've ever been to is Canada and I aspire to be a world traveler. But I figure I'll compromise to visit somewhere in the US that I haven't been to yet. So by the end of 2009 I will have gone to Disney World at least once. I figure it's close to home and I've ALWAYS wanted to go there ever since I was a little kid.

-Ideally I would like to be debt free by the start of 2010. Unfortunately, we have too much debt for that to be a reality so I'm settling for having half the credit card debt paid off. We have approximately $8000 so I figure $4000 paid off is a reasonable goal for a year.

-I really hate the fact that I rarely get to see my husband because of the Navy. So I've decided that I am going to make the time we do have this year the best it can be. When he's home date nights will be instituted again (I'm a real homebody so it's hard for me to want to go out sometimes) and I will try to make sure we're not going to the same places EVERY TIME because it sucks falling in a rut.

-I also want to be moved out of our apartment. Realistically we're not in a place in our life where we can buy a house, but I at least want to rent one. I want a place for my pups to be able to play (Henry loves being outside) and get the outdoor exposure that they desire. I'm also tired of having people all around me and it would be nice to have a little space.

If you haven't noticed, I mentioned nothing about TTC or being pregnant by next year. I feel that if I stress on setting a "goal" of becoming pregnant and it doesn't happen I will feel like a failure. I understand that it's out of my hands right now (especially since there's no guarantee how much time J will be home before the next deployment). So right now I'm taking a "if it happens great, if it doesn't it's not the end of the world" approach to keep my sanity in check.

Childish Feelings

2008-12-09T08:47:00.001-08:00

My sister had her baby yesterday and it was a very emotional experience, even from all the way over here. I had called my dad the night before it happened because my brother had told me my step mom thought Kodi was going in labor. After I confirmed that she was at the hospital and got off the phone I began to think "who would be there for me when I went into labor?" Justin being in the Navy makes me nervous when it actually comes to having kids because there's always a good chance that he'll miss out on the birth. And I can't go through it by myself, I need someone there. So the thought of being alone when I'm giving birth to babies sends me into a panic attack and I call my mom in a fit of tears. I told her how I was feeling (I tell my mom everything) and asked if she would be there for me if Justin can't be. She told me she would be there even if Justin CAN be, which made me feel a lot better.

But I don't know about my dad and my step mom (most importantly my step mom). I'm scared to ask because I don't want the answer to be "no you're too far away." I've always felt that they care about me less than they do their other kids. We had a falling out a few years ago and that wonderful relationship that we had dissolved instantly. My step mom and I use to be so close, closer than my mom and I. And now when I'm in the house it's like I'm a stranger looking in, not part of the family.

I just feel so alone and isolated over here in Florida. But really how is it any different than Texas? I lived ten minutes (on a good day) away from my parents and I felt then just like I do now. The only difference is I had tons of wonderful ladies that were surrogate mothers and my in laws (they can be annoying sometimes but I love them) and I had great friends. So even though my step mom and I were in different worlds, I still had family in Texas. And now I have a few friends, but they'll be moving within the next year and then I'll be alone again.

*You know any time I talk about this subject I feel like I'm a whiny kid again, so if that's how it comes across pay no mind to me. When it comes to my parents I think I do revert back to a "whiny kid."*

10 Days

2008-12-05T07:16:00.000-08:00

Ten days until I leave Florida...

I am so excited to see my family!!! My sister might be induced early, and I haven't decided yet if I want to be in the waiting room when she has the baby (I still have baby issues and jealousy issues), so I don't know if I'm going to leave early so I can be there in time or not. We'll see though...

Doormat

2008-11-30T00:09:00.000-08:00

I have this friend, if you want to call her a friend. I feel this friend takes advantage of me.

Ok, so my friend's husband is in the Navy. He was deployed a few weeks before Justin was. They're stationed in VA, but she was staying down in Florida with her sister and that's how I met her because her sister was my next door neighbor. Well, she was down here for about a month and then her sister decided to up and leave and move to Hawaii with her husband (they were separated before that) without even telling anyone until the last minute. So my friend stayed with me a few days and then headed back up to VA, no big deal right?

Well, my friend has a man friend down here in Florida. She says that he's just a friend, but a long time ago they had an affair together. My friend still makes trips to Florida to come see her nephew because he's in a program down in Orlando until June and since his mom is in Hawaii, he has no one else. So when my friend comes to Florida she stays here and then drives down to Orlando on Sundays.

Well, she came through for one of these trips in October and she asked if she could stay with me and if I would watch her daughter when she went down to Orlando because she couldn't come (kids aren't allowed because of the type of program it is). I agreed, no big deal. I love her daughter and I was excited to have some company because I get bored down here. Well, they got down here Thursday night and she immediately dumps her kid on me and then goes and spends the night at this man's house. I was a little upset, but you know it was no big deal. Well then I had a meeting on Friday and she knew this and she almost didn't come back in time and we were almost late for our meeting. When I got home, she wasn't there and she didn't come back till late. She again drops her kid off and goes and spends the night at this man's house. By now, I'm a little more upset because she's not even taking a moment to visit with me, but there's still two more days, no big deal. On Saturday she drives to Orlando to go visit her nephew, but this man goes with her. I had cooked dinner that night and she comes back to my apartment two hours after they get back into town. By now I'm pissed because I went out of my way to cook, she knew I made dinner, and I felt like I was being walked all over. In my mind though, I was like "fine, whatever" because the weekend was almost over. But you can bet I'd never go out of my way for her again.

Fast forward to this weekend. Her, her mom, and her daughter are down here to spend Thanksgiving with this man. I was invited, but I feel hugely uncomfortable with the fact that she spends so much time with this man while her husband is away. But, me being me didn't want to tell her this and hurt her feelings so I faked a stomach illness. So yesterday she called me and they're going down to see her nephew. She kept hinting at the fact that she needed someone to watch her daughter, but I refused to volunteer. Tonight, I went shopping with them and of course she asked what I was doing tomorrow and then asked if I'd watch her daughter. I hate being put on the spot. My mind fumbled over an excuse and I didn't want to just flat out say no and hurt her daughter's feelings, especially since she was sitting right next to me in the car. So now, here I am again. I'm mad because I don't want to babysit. I'm in the middle of quitting smoking and I'm still going through my detox period, so I'm pretty cranky. I don't think I'll be able to handle her daughter and not get snippy. UGHHHH!!!!!

They're coming back through in December to go see her nephew and it's the weekend right before I leave to go home to Texas. I feel that I will resort to lying again (which I hate to do) and tell them I'm leaving early to go see the baby so I'm not roped into babysitting YET AGAIN!!!!

She Said Yes

2008-11-29T10:05:00.000-08:00

Justin called me ahead of time and told me that he had something that he wanted to give me and he was on his way out to the house. When he got there he told me he wanted to go for a drive and I figured it was because Katie's sister was there and they didn't get along very well. So, I jumped in the truck and we drove out to the lake. After driving around for for a few minutes, he found a spot and parked. The lake is my favorite place because you can see so many stars and it is so peaceful and quiet out there. When he parked he handed me a bottle of perfume and told me that was my present. It wasn't the first time that he randomly gave me perfume, so I thought nothing of it and decided to get out of the truck. We both got out at the same time and then he reached back in the truck to turn up the music. About halfway around the truck I had realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes and went back in the cab to grab them. When I got back to the tailgate, he was standing in the bed of the truck and he practically shoved the ring box into my face...

"Will you marry me?"

I was so shocked that I just stood there for a minute, forgetting that I was suppose to give an answer. Finally, I sputtered "yes."

I had already known about the ring. He made the mistake of texting my friend and telling her that he bought it. That day we were running around and I was in charge of checking the phones, so I was the one who got the message. He had found that out and waited forever to actually give me the ring, trying to bring back the element of surprise.

It worked, I was shocked. After we sat at the lake for a couple minutes, I decided that I was hungry so we went to Sonic to grab a bite. Every time I drive by that particular Sonic I smile, knowing that was the first action of the beginning of my new life.

I honestly cannot tell you the date that he asked me. I cannot tell you what we were wearing or what was playing on the radio. I do remember the bottle of perfume I received, every time I smell it I remember. And I will always remember how I felt, how excited and in love I was at that very moment.

My List

2008-11-28T09:22:00.000-08:00

So, now it's time to put it in high gear and get things ready to go. I only have two weeks until I start heading back to Texas and I have SOOO much to do to get ready.

My car is a disaster area and I hate traveling in a messy car
the dogs really need a bath and to get their paws groomed again
dishes need to be done and trash taken out (I forgot when I went to Chicago once and come home to some nasty smelling dishes)
My grandpa is my name person this year and I need to go buy his gift, since I can't get it in Abilene
pack (I'm a procrastinator and normally wait till the last minute to do this)
I need to go get my car checked out to see why my check engine light is on
I need an oil change, but I'm still debating whether I want to wait till I actually get to Texas to do that because that's about when I'm going to actually need it
I need to wrap the gifts for my inlaws

I'm sure there's more, in fact I know that as I go I will add at least another ten items to my list. I'm excited to go home, but the weeks leading up are going to be stressful.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

Everyone has been asking me for the past month what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and it's kind of starting to get on my nerves. My husband is gone, my family is 20 hours away, and all of my friends have gone out of town, so I will be doing nothing for Thanksgiving. For some reason that freaks everyone out, "how can she not be spending Thanksgiving with anyone?" Really, is it that big of deal? Yes, it is a family holiday and you're meant to eat lots of food and spend it with the people you love. Well, I don't have access to the people I love, so I'd just rather spend it alone then try to find someone I "kind of" know to spend it with. And I am fine with that. I think that's what boggle's people's mind the most. I am not upset that I will not be eating turkey this year and I will be by myself. I mean, I get to go home in a few weeks and spend Christmas with my family. I personally like Christmas better anyways, you get to open presents AND you get to eat food that you would eat at Thanksgiving. That's awesome if you ask me. So I just wish that people wouldn't have put such emphasis on the fact that I am by myself for a holiday. Are they going to freak when Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter come around and I'm sitting in Florida "by myself"? Because that's what Thanksgiving boils down to this year, just another holiday.

Coping

2008-11-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

So, I've just realized today that I haven't talked to my husband in a week and haven't gotten an email in nine days. Want to know the sad part? It took me a week to realize that I hadn't talked to him in a while. Does that mean that I'm slowly forgetting? I honestly don't think so. We learned about coping mechanisms one time and I think that blocking out thoughts of him is mine. I mean I love my husband and it started hurting that he was emailing me less. Unfortunately because of what he's doing right now he can't, so my best bet was to quit thinking about it or I was going to drive myself crazy (quite literally) before April arrived.

The best part is that it's working.

Hopefully because I'm able to block out the pain (which was making the deployment DRAG) things will start picking up (which in a few weeks when I can go back home they will anyways).

So I guess yeay for me for finally learning to cope!!!

Another Baby in the Family

2008-11-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

So, this morning my cousin set me a text message. At first I was confused and I thought it was one of those stupid messages people think are cute and forward to everyone they know. I reread it later on in the day and realized this wasn't the case, so I texted her back and this was our following conversation.

Cousin: (initial text message) I have to tell you something but you can't tell anyone well maybe your mom but that would be it

Me: So what did you have to tell me?

Cousin: You have to promise not to get mad at me because everyone else is mad at me

Me: I promise I won't get me

Cousin: Well I have an ultrasound to see how far pregnant I am

Me: I knew that's what you were going to tell me. Is it (insert baby's father's name)? How mad is your mom?

Cousin: of course it is (insert name again). My mom said do you even know who the father is and I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her and she's not talkin to me

So I told her I wouldn't get mad so I'm not mad. Instead I'm frustrated, disappointed, even upset, but not mad. This cousin already has a baby. His name is Kameron and he's only like eight or nine months old. She is a single mother, works part time and is on welfare. The father of her baby is also Kameron's father and he's no good. My cousin has kicked him out of her apartment several times, including a few weeks ago. And it's not that she's a horrible mother and doesn't deserve another baby, because she's a wonderful mom. But, I think that she's having a hard time making sure that she and her first baby are surviving, and I don't think that she can handle the burden of having two children right now. So I called my mom and told her and my mom was mad enough for the both of us. She thinks that my cousin is irresponsible (which I agree seeing as both babies were oops babies and I honestly think that she wasn't really trying to prevent). She's also mad because my aunt dropped the bomb of the last baby at Thanksgiving last year. My family was very upset because my cousin was not a position the first time to have a baby and she got pregnant outside of wedlock. So, she thinks that this Thanksgiving is going to be a repeat of last year. And then I can't get it out of the back of my mind, why can't it be that easy for me to get pregnant? I know why and I know it's going to be a feat to have a baby which will make our child all the more special, but I still can't think each time someone else around me gets pregnant (especially on accident) why isn't it my turn this time?

My Essay for English

2008-11-23T02:07:00.000-08:00

I just finished my essay for my English class and I thought I would post it and see if I could get some feedback on it before I posted it for my class!! It would be greatly appreciated.

Have you noticed that sexual suggestions seem to be everywhere in the media these days? These sexual suggestions may be scantily clad models in magazines and on billboards or sexual dialogue and sexually explicit scenes on television and in movies. Often times, sex is shown in a romantic manner and can be perceived as consequence free, giving the illusion that it is something that can be taken lightly and something to be done on a whim. Teens often have access to the same areas of media that adults do, which means they are being exposed to the same depictions of sexuality that we are. As a result, adolescent females in the United States are being influenced by the sexual content they see and hear in the media and they often make choices based on that influence.

Teens appear to be watching more television than they have in the past. In fact, according to Rand Health (2004), “the average American teenager watches three hours of television a day.” The shows that they watch often have one form or another of sexual content, from kissing to actual intercourse. In fact, “Typical teen fare contains heavy doses of sexual content, ranging from touching, kissing, jokes, and innuendo to conversations about sexual activity and portrayals of intercourse” (Rand Health 2004). Normally parents try to censor what their children watch, but sexual suggestions can still be found in shows that teenagers may be allowed watch. Oftentimes the sexual scenes on television are shown without consequence, so adolescents are being shown a fantasy, and not the true realities of sex. Teenagers watching this “fantasy” on television may not realize that what they are watching is not reality. With a skewed sense of sexual reality, adolescents may believe that the sexual-related content that they view on television is normal, which may lead them to make choices about their sexual lives that they would not normally make. Television is not the only form of media that is portraying sexual suggestions to females.

Another form of media that can influence a teenage girl’s view of sex is magazines. According to Gibbins (2003), teen magazines typically try to write articles that can boost a teenage girl’s self-esteem and morale, for example, the articles may be about overcoming obstacles and being comfortable in one’s own skin. These articles are good for teenage girls because they learn how to instill confidence in themselves, which could possibly help them make responsible decisions in the future. Unfortunately, often in that same magazine are articles on ways to get dates, how to have good make out sessions, how to copy sexy styles and pictures of scantily clad models in suggestive poses. Posting conflicting articles can put a sense of confusion in a girl’s head and can sometimes convey the wrong message. Girls may end up thinking that it is the norm to try to look sexy and to do things they normally would not do to try to get a guy. Gibbins (2003) goes on to explain that “instead of touching on sexual health related issues, these magazines focus on non-health related issues.” This means, magazines give teenage girls access to articles that can initiate sexual behavior and do not give the scary side of sex, like sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, or the safe side of sex, like contraceptive knowledge.

Surprisingly, sexual concepts are being introduced to females at an even earlier age than would be expected. Some dolls on the market, for example, Bratz dolls and Bling Bling Barbie, are dressed in skimpy outfits, wear fish net stockings, and have on way too much make up. Little girls play with these dolls and as a result these young girls are being introduced to our sexual culture at a younger age, even before they realize what sexual behavior is. “Introducing kids to a world of sex, long before a child can process what sexuality even is, can be harmful to emotional development” (Aikin 2008). Being introduced to sexuality before they are ready can cause a child to have low self confidence and a low body image later on in life, and as a result may make them turn to doing things they would not normally do sexually. Another result of being introduced to a sexually charged culture is girls asking for things that exhibit sexuality, such as highlighted hair, navel piercings, skimpier clothes, and even cosmetic surgery, at a much younger age (Aikin 2008). Parents sometimes give in and provide their children with these items that exhibit sexuality, and as a result help fuel early sexual behaviors in their daughters.

One begins to wonder, how does being exposed to so much sexual content affect adolescents? Well, “teens exposed to the most sexual content on TV are twice as likely as teens watching less of this material to become pregnant before they reach age 20” (Park, 2008, ¶ 2). If that is not shocking enough, think of this. Teens that observe a large quantity of sexual content in the media are more likely to have intercourse at an earlier age. In fact, “Analysts surveyed a national sample of households containing an adolescent from 12 to 17 years old. A total of 1762 adolescents were asked about their sexual experiences and also their television viewing habits” (Rand Health, 2004, ¶ 3). They asked the adolescents questions to gage their exposure to three different types of sexual content on television. A year later the same households were called and the adolescents were again asked questions. The results were astonishing. The adolescents that were exposed to the highest amount of sexual content on television were twice as likely as the ones who were exposed to the lowest amount to have engaged in some sort of sexual activity over the year (Rand Health 2004). Fortunately, there are measures that parents can take to reduce the likeliness of their children experiencing sexual activity too early.

There are steps parents can take to ensure that their child will not become a statistic. Teens are often less likely to have sex when they have good relationships with their parents and they have a good family structure at home. “For young women, estrangement at home often leads them to seek and establish intimate relationships outside the family, seeking the warmth and support they lack at home” (The Surgeon General 2001). Children need to know that they have a good support system at home, so it should always be emphasized that a child can come to a parent to talk, no matter what the subject is. “Close, warm parent-child relationships are associated with both postponement of sexual intercourse and more consistent contraceptive use by sexually active adolescents” (The Surgeon General 2001). Parents should make sure to monitor what teens watch and their internet activity. Monitoring the teens activity ensures that they are not being overexposed to forms of media with high amounts of sexual activity. Teens are also less likely to engage in sexual activity when there are boundaries set up in the home. Rules and boundaries that are set need to be enforced. Monitoring a teenager too much and setting excessive boundaries can cause a teen to rebel and go against ones wishes, so it is important to make sure that monitoring does not become excessive (The Surgeon General 2001). Most importantly, parents need to set a good example for their children. Parents need to be sure to instill their values in their children, especially where they stand on teen sex.

Adolescent females are being influenced by the sexual suggestions they see and hear in the media, and they are making choices based on that influence. Adolescents are watching more television than they have in the past and as a result are being exposed to higher amounts of various forms of sexuality. The sexuality that teenagers are exposed to when watching television is often more fantasy than reality, which skews their judgment and can lead to rash decisions. Magazines are sending out conflicting messages, making it even harder to decide what is the norm, sex or confidence. Even children’s toys are become more brazen when it comes to sexual attitudes. As a result, teens exposed to high amounts of sexual suggestions are more likely to participate in sexual activities and become pregnant at a younger age. By monitoring exposure to sexual suggestions, teens will be less likely to experiment sexually and to have to suffer the consequences of poor sexual choices.

Stupid Doctor

2008-11-20T21:26:00.000-08:00

When I went to the doctor she brought me into her office to look at all my test results. She pulled them up on her computer screen and proceeded to go over everything. All of my insulin and glucose levels were normal, as were my thyroid (yeay we were worried i had a thyroid problem because it runs in my family) and anything else she could rule out. Knowing that she told me my best solution with dealing with PCOS is diet and exercise. That was all well and fine, I went prepared that she might tell me all the information she gave me. In fact I was excited that all I have to do is lose weight and I don't have to take any drugs.

Now brings me to the part of the appointment that pissed me off. I asked her how long do I need to wait to come in after DH comes home (he's deployed right now until April) to come back in if we're unsuccessful TTC). She told me that I would have to wait an entire year to come back in. I was confused, I explained to her we tried for a year and a half and I was told it didn't matter because me husband was gone and it had to be a consecutive year. By that point I was upset and I again explained we tried for a "consecutive" year and a half. So at this point she tells me that it didn't count because I didn't know that something was wrong at the time and I was doing nothing to prevent it. Ok, but still if you know I'm having infertility problems you're still going to make me wait a year? And then I explained to her that there is a history of infertility on my mom's side of the family, thinking that she would take that into consideration, but no. She then proceeds to tell me to have faith and to keep thinking positively and have more sex. AHH, by then I was fighting back tears. First off for not being able to have a child for almost three years I feel that I've been very positive with the situation. In fact I was very optimistic about my appointment this morning knowing that when I walked out of the doctor's today I would have a game plan. She also told me "it's not like you're 35, you're 22 and you have tons of time to try and have a baby." Well, personally I don't want to have to go through seven years of trying (that's how long it took my aunt to conceive her first child), and just because I'm young doesn't mean that it's going to be easy for me to get pregnant. AND there's no way I'm going to get a "consecutive" year of trying, which is what she wants. My DH is on a ship and they're NEVER home for a year solid. There's always little trips that last a couple weeks to a couple months that the take several times in between their deployments. So am I suppose to wait until DH gets out of the Navy? I don't think so!! But I do have a game plan. I'm going to do the whole diet and exercise thing and right before DH comes home I'm going to get off the BCP. I will give it six months and if we're not pregnant I will then switch doctor's and TRY to get a referral. I'm not waiting a year especially knowing that I've been having problems for so long, ya know?

Nervously Awaiting THE Appt.

2008-11-20T03:02:00.000-08:00

It's six in the morning and I'm still awake. I have a doctor's appointment at eight thirty and knowing that I wouldn't even be tired until four I decided to stay up and just come home and sleep after my appointment. It's the day that we find out what my blood work said and what course of action my doctor decides to take with the whole PCOS thing. I'm nervous that she's going to tell me that it's something worse than PCOS, but that's just the hypochondriac in my talking. I'm such a worrier and I always think that the worst is going to happen. Wish me luck that the appointment goes well!!

A Call

2008-11-19T03:20:00.000-08:00

My husband called this morning and I have to say I wasn't left with a happy feeling when I got off the phone. First he called from his cell phone overseas, which is going to cost us an arm and a leg. Then he kept talking to his friends...so he was spending money for nothing!! He wasn't even talking to me hardly!! So, now I'm upset, I kinda wish he didn't call unless he had time to talk to me, ya know?

Eights

2008-11-18T14:32:00.000-08:00

I stole this from a blog, but feel free to do the same

Crazy Eights

8 TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1. Gilmore Girls

2. Roseanne

3. Army Wives

4. Scream Queens (I love bad reality shows)

5. Charmed

6. Seventh Heaven (lol, i'm all about the reruns)

7. Sex and the City

8. House

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. O' Charleys

2. TaMollys

3. Chili's

4. Olive Garden

5. The Beehive

6. Outback Steakhouse

7. Seshuans (sp) (awesome chinese food)

8. uhhh McDonalds...lol

8 Things that Happened Today:

1. Bug guy sprayed my house

2. Ate peanut butter cookies

3. took the dogs outside

4. took a shower

5. watched tv

6. checked my email

7. called a few friends

8. played with the dogs

8 Things I Look Forward To:

1. Christmas

2. my niece being born

3. my cousin coming to visit in January

4. Justin coming home

5. seeing my family again

6. my birthday

7. buying a new bed and bedding

8. Justin coming home (I'm really excited for that so I put it twice)

8 Things on My Wishlist:

1. my husband coming home on time

2. a baby

3. to be out of debit

4. buying a new truck

5. moving

6. taking a vacation with my husband

7. finishing school

8. finding a job before the husband gets back home

Frustrating BCP

2008-11-17T02:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's birth control suppose to regulate your periods? Well, I'm going to take the fourth pill of the "reminder week" AND STILL NOTHING!!! I have no spotting, no cramping, nothing...So I'm thinking my body is saying "screw you birth control, I'll plan my cycle how I want to plan my cycle." I'm suppose to start my new pack on the day I go to the doctor so if AF doesn't show by then I'm going to see if I can switch pills. I read somewhere on the internet that if you have PCOS triphasic pills might not work, and that's what I'm on. So I guess we'll see but I'm frustrated because I was excited to have normal cycles for once.

*I woke up this morning with some spotting, so I guess I was just worrying for nothing!!*

All the Little Bits Running Around in my Head

2008-11-16T20:10:00.000-08:00

So I finally got the email I was waiting for. It was another really short one (two sentences this time), but I think it will be enough to get me through the next few days (or week depending on when I get the next one). He told me he loved me and that's all I needed to hear.

Everyone keeps asking me what I plan on doing for Thanksgiving? Well, it's too far to go home just for the weekend (19 hours) all of my friends are going home, so I will be here by myself. I'm ok with that really, since I'm going to be miserable without Justin wherever I go. But I've decided that even though I'm by myself my Thanksgiving can be special too. So I'm going to get a turkey breast and make a few of my favorite sides and have Thanksgiving by myself.

My cousin called this morning and told me that she wanted to come to Florida and visit. We looked at plane tickets online today and we found something fairly cheap, so I think she's going to come. I'm excited because that means she'll be bringing her baby boy and for a week there will be a baby in my house. So now I have something to look forward to sooner than Justin coming home. My time keeps getting broken down and I like that. So now it's Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with the family, cousin coming in January, my birthday in February (which I am doing something special for myself!!), Valerie's anniversary in March (we went out for mine and so we will go out for hers to) and then JUSTIN COMES HOME IN APRIL!!! Yeay so there's something exciting to do every month for the next five months

Emotional Basketcase

2008-11-14T23:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate not being emotionally in control, but right now there's not a chance of gaining back my control. I start crying at random times and thinking about him makes it worse. It's not his fault, he had to go, it's his job. I know that, but unfortunately telling myself that doesn't make me feel much better.

My friend thinks that I should go home for Thanksgiving and come back when I originally planned, after New Year's. I can't stand to be around my family for that long and I really don't want to be there when my sister gives birth. I'm barely going to be able to handle being around the baby, I don't want to think about her going through labor, thinking it should be me.

Devious little thoughts, but I can't help it...I'm selfish...

I mean I'm the oldest (girl at least), I got married first, naturally it should be me right? We should be the first having a baby. But no, my sister gets my stepmom's wonderful fertility genes and she gets pregnant.

So yes, I'm going to sit here and be selfish because I got stuck with crappy infertility problems and you watch, all four of my sisters (even my biological one AND the lesbian who doesn't even normally have sex with men) will end up having no problems having babies if they so choose.

My Selfish Feelings

2008-11-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

So, in the past week I've only gotten one email. It consisted of one semi long sentence telling me he's okay, he's busy and tired. I know they're busy, but I write him EVERY DAY, sometimes twice a day. It hurts checking my email ten times a day and every time nothing!! It doesn't take that long to write a sentence...Does it? Maybe I'm just too selfish, I mean my husband is out there serving our country and I'm being petty about not getting another email in three days? I feel pitiful, but at the same time I think if he loved me wouldn't he care that I sit here worried because I DON'T hear from him for days at a time. I feel at war with myself right now. I feel like I need to be a dutiful wife and just keep my mouth shut and realize that there are going to be times that he can't contact me. Luckily, I don't express my feelings to him because I don't want to be the cause of his stress, so I can keep my selfish feelings to myself and not cause a rift...

Anniversary

2008-10-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have to say, even though my husband wasn't here, my first anniversary wasn't too bad. I spent most of it being lazy and watching tv in bed. Then my friend called and we went and ran some errands and then went out to dinner with her two boys. Tomorrow we're going to carve pumpkins and go to soccer practice for her oldest. So I had an enjoyable time.

I got my email last night about 11:30 from my husband telling me happy anniversary and that he loved me. So I figured it was 30 minutes off, but I counted it because I knew I wouldn't get one today or for the next few days.

My dogs decided that they were going to tear apart my house while I was gone today. I was gone for like five hours (they usually stay home by themselves longer than that), but when I came home my latest Cosmo was in pieces on the floor and they had messed up the window sill. So now I have to go to Lowes tomorrow to buy paint and wood putty and hope I can hide the boo boo they did. I was so pissed they are STILL in their kennels and when I leave from now on they will probably stay in the kennels. This isn't the first time they've destroyed stuff and it's not like they're not getting enough attention or anything. So I have no idea, but I'm at my wits end with these dogs.

When I checked my email I had an email from my husband's yahoo account. They can only access they're military email on the ship, so I found this kind of strange. Before he left, he did one of those online cards so that way I got a card on our anniversary. I broke down and just started crying. I miss him terribly and I hate that he's gone.

Friday

2008-10-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, there's tons of stuff that happened today so I'm just going to make a list and get it all out because this weekend is going to be busy and I'll probably forget by Sunday night.

1. I went to the doctor today to try to get a referral. She wanted to do the blood work there, which I had no problem with. What made me mad is she is doing the blood work to rule out more serious things, not to verify that I have PCOS. So pretty much as long as it's not anything else I'm just going to be treated for PCOS without anyone verifying that I do have it. That makes me mad!! What if I don't have PCOS, so I'm taking medication for nothing. Then she won't give me a referral so I can get a lap to see if I have endo. So I'm going to end up not getting my problem resolved and we're going to be no where when my husband gets home. I really wanted to be a little ahead so we could start TTC and have a chance. I've waited two years, how much longer am I going to have to wait till we can finally have a baby?

2. I found out today that the ship won't have any email starting the morning of October 27th. That is our one year anniversary and I won't even be able to send my husband an email telling him happy anniversary. I read that and I cried a little. It sucks that for our first year of marriage my husband has been gone half of it and now this.

3. We're going to a corn maze tomorrow!! I'm excited just because I am so tired of sitting at home by myself weekend after weekend. I'm a homebody, but even I have my limits. So watch out for lots of pictures, because I go picture crazy.

Well, it wasn't as much stuff as I thought. But it was important and I needed to get it off my chest.

Waiting

2008-10-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

I check my email probably about twenty times a day...A little overkill I know, but I can't help it. I get through my days praying that there will something, anything in that inbox from him. Even if it is one sentence saying how bored he is, it's something!! Those "somethings" don't happen as often now. I know it's not his fault. They're busy, sometimes they don't even have email. That doesn't change the fact that I still check everyday, hoping. Sometimes I get lucky and I get two or three in one day and that can get me through a few days.

Once I even got lucky enough to get a phone call. It was at 4 in the morning on a night that I had actually fell asleep early, but I didn't care...I was so excited. I talked to him in a sleepy haze, just happy to be hearing my husband's voice after an entire month. And now I wait again for another wonderful phone call. My phone never leaves my side and every time it rings my heart leaps because I'm hoping it's him. It never is, but the cycle repeats every time that phone rings.

So now I'm just taking it day by day, waiting to hear from him, waiting for that wonderful day to come that our ship is back home. I have a lot of waiting to do, luckily it's not forever...I just have to go day by day, hour by hour.

Unwanted Guests

2008-10-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

You know how you always hear that everything is bigger in Texas?? Ha!! They lie.

I went to go brush my teeth tonight and I found a cockroach about 1 1/2 inches long just sitting in my sink!! And me being hating bugs the way I do freaked out...

Let me explain something first before I continue. About a month ago I had some friends staying with me for a day. I went into the laundry room (which is a fairly large closet in my guest bathroom) to get some fresh sheets and I found a spider that was the size of golf ball circumference (that was legs included) in my sink. I freaked and got a flip flop and killed it, but that wasn't until after all the screaming!!

But these stupid bugs in Florida are huge!! We use to have a lot of bugs in Texas but they were never this big. And the bugs in Florida seem to like the sinks because I never find them anywhere else in my apartment.

So I Drainoed the sucker and shut all the drains in my sinks to make sure I didn't run into anymore unwanted guests in my bathroom sinks!!

School

2008-10-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

I originally decided to go to college right out of high school...big mistake for me...My original major was nursing and I HATED it and I was barely scraping by in college. I lasted two years (well technically 1 1/2) just because I was so scared of letting my dad down so I kinda tried. I had no drive and ambition and I...well I just didn't care. It was not a place I thrived and I was miserable. So during my fourth semester of school I quit going and I ended up getting kicked out of school.

Fast forward a few years...

Ever since my husband went into the Navy, I was always jealous. He was doing something good with his life and everyone was proud of and he and I was just the big fat failure. I know that sounds childish, but unfortunately in my family that's how it works. When one of my sisters went into the army it was like she was the golden child all the sudden...and she had spent her childhood being the biggest screw up in our family. Anyways, so I decided I wanted to do something good to, something for everyone to be proud of...so I decided to go back to school.

Since traditional college and I didn't mesh too well, I decided to take a different approach. I looked into University of Phoenix online, liked what I found, and decided to enroll. Now let me tell you I love it!! I only have to take 2 classes every 9 weeks instead of 4-5 for a semester. So I don't feel so overwhelmed with work all the time. I'm taking English which I failed twice at my university and got kicked out of the last time...and (drum roll please)...I have a B!!! I thrive in this environment and I finally feel that I will successfully be able to get through school and get a degree. So watch out, in a few years this girl is going to be educated!!

Today was just a day

2008-10-20T22:32:00.001-07:00

Today has been another ordinary day, getting me one day closer to Justin coming home. I went to a meeting with the wives on our ship and of course I volunteered for half the stuff that they needed help with. I guess part of me wants to have busy work, but then part of me wants everyone to like me because I'm an "active" wife. Oh well, it's something to do in between assignments.

I went tonight and got one of those Frosties with M&Ms in it from Wendys. I wanted Sonic, but I waited too long and they were closed. Darn those midnight cravings for ice cream!!

Shortly after I ate my ice cream, I got a dizzy spell. It seems ever since we got down here I've been getting them quite frequently. I think that was my third one and we've been here a month and a half. It was to the point where I was only getting them a couple times a year. It's not something I really want to go to the doctor for. It's something I've dealt with all my life and it's something I've learned to live with. And my fear of doctor's is bigger than the fear something is wrong and I might die. I am such a basket case I know.

At the meeting today they were making fun of me because of nuts...yes nuts. I have this thing where certain types of nuts makes me gag when I eat them. I have the strangest food aversions. But I wouldn't eat this yummy looking cookie because I didn't want to chance there being nuts in it. So now I guess I'm the "weird one" in the group...

Fall Festival

2008-10-19T10:19:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I went to this fall festival thing they were having on base. Now normally this is something I WOULD NOT do, but when my friends were telling me about it, I could hear Justin's voice in my head telling me "Do it babe. You need to get out of the house more."

So I went...

It really wasn't that bad. There was a lot of people, well at least to me. Okay it was really kinda lame, it was geared towards people with kids...and I have no kids. But I dealt with it because I wanted to pretend to be social.

My friend decided she wanted to get caricatures done. We stood in that line for TWO HOURS!! Another lady I knew got into line behind us with her two year old daughter. Now normally because of the whole baby thing I don't like having little kids around me, but I fell in love with this beautiful blond haired girl.

When I finally sat in the chair to get my picture done I really wished I hadn't. I hate people staring at me and the guy looks at you with this intense gaze. I understand that he's an artist and he's just trying to make you're picture look like you but it still creeped me out. And he drew my boobs, so I know he had to stare at them for just a second...

Life So Far

2008-10-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

So Justin's ship has been gone for about a month and a half now. I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be. When he was going through boot camp I was a mess and I thought it would never end. Luckily this first month flew by. Part of me wants him back home but then part of me likes the fact that I don't have to deal with him.

Is that wrong of me to feel that way?

I finally took myself to the doctor last week...

For those of you who don't know we've been TTC for two years with a 6 month break for Navy stuff. For those two years I have had extremely irregular cycles, but I have a fear of doctors so I couldn't bring myself to go.

Well, I finally went and what she told me didn't shock me. I had prepared myself and I knew what she was going to say. I was told there's a possibility that i have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and maybe Endometriosis. I have to go back and get blood work done and tests done so that way I have it somewhat under control when Justin comes back.

Unfortunately, we're military so with our health care you have to have a referral to go to any doctor off base. So now I'm waiting for my appointment with my Primary Care Manager to plead my case for that blessed referral to go get all those tests done. I hate having to explain things to people, I get flustered. I just hope this goes smoothly and she willingly gives me that referral.

So for now I'm waiting for AF to show so I can begin birth control to regulate myself. I'm excited to have normal periods again. How many females will tell you they're excited to have a period?? Lol...