Childish Feelings

My sister had her baby yesterday and it was a very emotional experience, even from all the way over here. I had called my dad the night before it happened because my brother had told me my step mom thought Kodi was going in labor. After I confirmed that she was at the hospital and got off the phone I began to think "who would be there for me when I went into labor?" Justin being in the Navy makes me nervous when it actually comes to having kids because there's always a good chance that he'll miss out on the birth. And I can't go through it by myself, I need someone there. So the thought of being alone when I'm giving birth to babies sends me into a panic attack and I call my mom in a fit of tears. I told her how I was feeling (I tell my mom everything) and asked if she would be there for me if Justin can't be. She told me she would be there even if Justin CAN be, which made me feel a lot better.

But I don't know about my dad and my step mom (most importantly my step mom). I'm scared to ask because I don't want the answer to be "no you're too far away." I've always felt that they care about me less than they do their other kids. We had a falling out a few years ago and that wonderful relationship that we had dissolved instantly. My step mom and I use to be so close, closer than my mom and I. And now when I'm in the house it's like I'm a stranger looking in, not part of the family.

I just feel so alone and isolated over here in Florida. But really how is it any different than Texas? I lived ten minutes (on a good day) away from my parents and I felt then just like I do now. The only difference is I had tons of wonderful ladies that were surrogate mothers and my in laws (they can be annoying sometimes but I love them) and I had great friends. So even though my step mom and I were in different worlds, I still had family in Texas. And now I have a few friends, but they'll be moving within the next year and then I'll be alone again.

*You know any time I talk about this subject I feel like I'm a whiny kid again, so if that's how it comes across pay no mind to me. When it comes to my parents I think I do revert back to a "whiny kid."*