Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Childish Feelings

My sister had her baby yesterday and it was a very emotional experience, even from all the way over here. I had called my dad the night before it happened because my brother had told me my step mom thought Kodi was going in labor. After I confirmed that she was at the hospital and got off the phone I began to think "who would be there for me when I went into labor?" Justin being in the Navy makes me nervous when it actually comes to having kids because there's always a good chance that he'll miss out on the birth. And I can't go through it by myself, I need someone there. So the thought of being alone when I'm giving birth to babies sends me into a panic attack and I call my mom in a fit of tears. I told her how I was feeling (I tell my mom everything) and asked if she would be there for me if Justin can't be. She told me she would be there even if Justin CAN be, which made me feel a lot better.

But I don't know about my dad and my step mom (most importantly my step mom). I'm scared to ask because I don't want the answer to be "no you're too far away." I've always felt that they care about me less than they do their other kids. We had a falling out a few years ago and that wonderful relationship that we had dissolved instantly. My step mom and I use to be so close, closer than my mom and I. And now when I'm in the house it's like I'm a stranger looking in, not part of the family.

I just feel so alone and isolated over here in Florida. But really how is it any different than Texas? I lived ten minutes (on a good day) away from my parents and I felt then just like I do now. The only difference is I had tons of wonderful ladies that were surrogate mothers and my in laws (they can be annoying sometimes but I love them) and I had great friends. So even though my step mom and I were in different worlds, I still had family in Texas. And now I have a few friends, but they'll be moving within the next year and then I'll be alone again.

*You know any time I talk about this subject I feel like I'm a whiny kid again, so if that's how it comes across pay no mind to me. When it comes to my parents I think I do revert back to a "whiny kid."*

Friday, December 5, 2008

10 Days

Ten days until I leave Florida...

I am so excited to see my family!!! My sister might be induced early, and I haven't decided yet if I want to be in the waiting room when she has the baby (I still have baby issues and jealousy issues), so I don't know if I'm going to leave early so I can be there in time or not. We'll see though...

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Doormat

I have this friend, if you want to call her a friend. I feel this friend takes advantage of me.

Ok, so my friend's husband is in the Navy. He was deployed a few weeks before Justin was. They're stationed in VA, but she was staying down in Florida with her sister and that's how I met her because her sister was my next door neighbor. Well, she was down here for about a month and then her sister decided to up and leave and move to Hawaii with her husband (they were separated before that) without even telling anyone until the last minute. So my friend stayed with me a few days and then headed back up to VA, no big deal right?

Well, my friend has a man friend down here in Florida. She says that he's just a friend, but a long time ago they had an affair together. My friend still makes trips to Florida to come see her nephew because he's in a program down in Orlando until June and since his mom is in Hawaii, he has no one else. So when my friend comes to Florida she stays here and then drives down to Orlando on Sundays.

Well, she came through for one of these trips in October and she asked if she could stay with me and if I would watch her daughter when she went down to Orlando because she couldn't come (kids aren't allowed because of the type of program it is). I agreed, no big deal. I love her daughter and I was excited to have some company because I get bored down here. Well, they got down here Thursday night and she immediately dumps her kid on me and then goes and spends the night at this man's house. I was a little upset, but you know it was no big deal. Well then I had a meeting on Friday and she knew this and she almost didn't come back in time and we were almost late for our meeting. When I got home, she wasn't there and she didn't come back till late. She again drops her kid off and goes and spends the night at this man's house. By now, I'm a little more upset because she's not even taking a moment to visit with me, but there's still two more days, no big deal. On Saturday she drives to Orlando to go visit her nephew, but this man goes with her. I had cooked dinner that night and she comes back to my apartment two hours after they get back into town. By now I'm pissed because I went out of my way to cook, she knew I made dinner, and I felt like I was being walked all over. In my mind though, I was like "fine, whatever" because the weekend was almost over. But you can bet I'd never go out of my way for her again.

Fast forward to this weekend. Her, her mom, and her daughter are down here to spend Thanksgiving with this man. I was invited, but I feel hugely uncomfortable with the fact that she spends so much time with this man while her husband is away. But, me being me didn't want to tell her this and hurt her feelings so I faked a stomach illness. So yesterday she called me and they're going down to see her nephew. She kept hinting at the fact that she needed someone to watch her daughter, but I refused to volunteer. Tonight, I went shopping with them and of course she asked what I was doing tomorrow and then asked if I'd watch her daughter. I hate being put on the spot. My mind fumbled over an excuse and I didn't want to just flat out say no and hurt her daughter's feelings, especially since she was sitting right next to me in the car. So now, here I am again. I'm mad because I don't want to babysit. I'm in the middle of quitting smoking and I'm still going through my detox period, so I'm pretty cranky. I don't think I'll be able to handle her daughter and not get snippy. UGHHHH!!!!!

They're coming back through in December to go see her nephew and it's the weekend right before I leave to go home to Texas. I feel that I will resort to lying again (which I hate to do) and tell them I'm leaving early to go see the baby so I'm not roped into babysitting YET AGAIN!!!!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

She Said Yes

Justin called me ahead of time and told me that he had something that he wanted to give me and he was on his way out to the house. When he got there he told me he wanted to go for a drive and I figured it was because Katie's sister was there and they didn't get along very well. So, I jumped in the truck and we drove out to the lake. After driving around for for a few minutes, he found a spot and parked. The lake is my favorite place because you can see so many stars and it is so peaceful and quiet out there. When he parked he handed me a bottle of perfume and told me that was my present. It wasn't the first time that he randomly gave me perfume, so I thought nothing of it and decided to get out of the truck. We both got out at the same time and then he reached back in the truck to turn up the music. About halfway around the truck I had realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes and went back in the cab to grab them. When I got back to the tailgate, he was standing in the bed of the truck and he practically shoved the ring box into my face...

"Will you marry me?"

I was so shocked that I just stood there for a minute, forgetting that I was suppose to give an answer. Finally, I sputtered "yes."

I had already known about the ring. He made the mistake of texting my friend and telling her that he bought it. That day we were running around and I was in charge of checking the phones, so I was the one who got the message. He had found that out and waited forever to actually give me the ring, trying to bring back the element of surprise.

It worked, I was shocked. After we sat at the lake for a couple minutes, I decided that I was hungry so we went to Sonic to grab a bite. Every time I drive by that particular Sonic I smile, knowing that was the first action of the beginning of my new life.

I honestly cannot tell you the date that he asked me. I cannot tell you what we were wearing or what was playing on the radio. I do remember the bottle of perfume I received, every time I smell it I remember. And I will always remember how I felt, how excited and in love I was at that very moment.

Friday, November 28, 2008

My List

So, now it's time to put it in high gear and get things ready to go. I only have two weeks until I start heading back to Texas and I have SOOO much to do to get ready.
  • My car is a disaster area and I hate traveling in a messy car
  • the dogs really need a bath and to get their paws groomed again
  • dishes need to be done and trash taken out (I forgot when I went to Chicago once and come home to some nasty smelling dishes)
  • My grandpa is my name person this year and I need to go buy his gift, since I can't get it in Abilene
  • pack (I'm a procrastinator and normally wait till the last minute to do this)
  • I need to go get my car checked out to see why my check engine light is on
  • I need an oil change, but I'm still debating whether I want to wait till I actually get to Texas to do that because that's about when I'm going to actually need it
  • I need to wrap the gifts for my inlaws
I'm sure there's more, in fact I know that as I go I will add at least another ten items to my list. I'm excited to go home, but the weeks leading up are going to be stressful.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving

Everyone has been asking me for the past month what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and it's kind of starting to get on my nerves. My husband is gone, my family is 20 hours away, and all of my friends have gone out of town, so I will be doing nothing for Thanksgiving. For some reason that freaks everyone out, "how can she not be spending Thanksgiving with anyone?" Really, is it that big of deal? Yes, it is a family holiday and you're meant to eat lots of food and spend it with the people you love. Well, I don't have access to the people I love, so I'd just rather spend it alone then try to find someone I "kind of" know to spend it with. And I am fine with that. I think that's what boggle's people's mind the most. I am not upset that I will not be eating turkey this year and I will be by myself. I mean, I get to go home in a few weeks and spend Christmas with my family. I personally like Christmas better anyways, you get to open presents AND you get to eat food that you would eat at Thanksgiving. That's awesome if you ask me. So I just wish that people wouldn't have put such emphasis on the fact that I am by myself for a holiday. Are they going to freak when Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter come around and I'm sitting in Florida "by myself"? Because that's what Thanksgiving boils down to this year, just another holiday.

Coping

So, I've just realized today that I haven't talked to my husband in a week and haven't gotten an email in nine days. Want to know the sad part? It took me a week to realize that I hadn't talked to him in a while. Does that mean that I'm slowly forgetting? I honestly don't think so. We learned about coping mechanisms one time and I think that blocking out thoughts of him is mine. I mean I love my husband and it started hurting that he was emailing me less. Unfortunately because of what he's doing right now he can't, so my best bet was to quit thinking about it or I was going to drive myself crazy (quite literally) before April arrived.

The best part is that it's working.

Hopefully because I'm able to block out the pain (which was making the deployment DRAG) things will start picking up (which in a few weeks when I can go back home they will anyways).

So I guess yeay for me for finally learning to cope!!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Another Baby in the Family

So, this morning my cousin set me a text message. At first I was confused and I thought it was one of those stupid messages people think are cute and forward to everyone they know. I reread it later on in the day and realized this wasn't the case, so I texted her back and this was our following conversation.

Cousin: (initial text message) I have to tell you something but you can't tell anyone well maybe your mom but that would be it

Me: So what did you have to tell me?

Cousin: You have to promise not to get mad at me because everyone else is mad at me

Me: I promise I won't get me

Cousin: Well I have an ultrasound to see how far pregnant I am

Me: I knew that's what you were going to tell me. Is it (insert baby's father's name)? How mad is your mom?

Cousin: of course it is (insert name again). My mom said do you even know who the father is and I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her and she's not talkin to me

So I told her I wouldn't get mad so I'm not mad. Instead I'm frustrated, disappointed, even upset, but not mad. This cousin already has a baby. His name is Kameron and he's only like eight or nine months old. She is a single mother, works part time and is on welfare. The father of her baby is also Kameron's father and he's no good. My cousin has kicked him out of her apartment several times, including a few weeks ago. And it's not that she's a horrible mother and doesn't deserve another baby, because she's a wonderful mom. But, I think that she's having a hard time making sure that she and her first baby are surviving, and I don't think that she can handle the burden of having two children right now. So I called my mom and told her and my mom was mad enough for the both of us. She thinks that my cousin is irresponsible (which I agree seeing as both babies were oops babies and I honestly think that she wasn't really trying to prevent). She's also mad because my aunt dropped the bomb of the last baby at Thanksgiving last year. My family was very upset because my cousin was not a position the first time to have a baby and she got pregnant outside of wedlock. So, she thinks that this Thanksgiving is going to be a repeat of last year. And then I can't get it out of the back of my mind, why can't it be that easy for me to get pregnant? I know why and I know it's going to be a feat to have a baby which will make our child all the more special, but I still can't think each time someone else around me gets pregnant (especially on accident) why isn't it my turn this time?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Essay for English

I just finished my essay for my English class and I thought I would post it and see if I could get some feedback on it before I posted it for my class!! It would be greatly appreciated.

Have you noticed that sexual suggestions seem to be everywhere in the media these days? These sexual suggestions may be scantily clad models in magazines and on billboards or sexual dialogue and sexually explicit scenes on television and in movies. Often times, sex is shown in a romantic manner and can be perceived as consequence free, giving the illusion that it is something that can be taken lightly and something to be done on a whim. Teens often have access to the same areas of media that adults do, which means they are being exposed to the same depictions of sexuality that we are. As a result, adolescent females in the United States are being influenced by the sexual content they see and hear in the media and they often make choices based on that influence.

Teens appear to be watching more television than they have in the past. In fact, according to Rand Health (2004), “the average American teenager watches three hours of television a day.” The shows that they watch often have one form or another of sexual content, from kissing to actual intercourse. In fact, “Typical teen fare contains heavy doses of sexual content, ranging from touching, kissing, jokes, and innuendo to conversations about sexual activity and portrayals of intercourse” (Rand Health 2004). Normally parents try to censor what their children watch, but sexual suggestions can still be found in shows that teenagers may be allowed watch. Oftentimes the sexual scenes on television are shown without consequence, so adolescents are being shown a fantasy, and not the true realities of sex. Teenagers watching this “fantasy” on television may not realize that what they are watching is not reality. With a skewed sense of sexual reality, adolescents may believe that the sexual-related content that they view on television is normal, which may lead them to make choices about their sexual lives that they would not normally make. Television is not the only form of media that is portraying sexual suggestions to females.

Another form of media that can influence a teenage girl’s view of sex is magazines. According to Gibbins (2003), teen magazines typically try to write articles that can boost a teenage girl’s self-esteem and morale, for example, the articles may be about overcoming obstacles and being comfortable in one’s own skin. These articles are good for teenage girls because they learn how to instill confidence in themselves, which could possibly help them make responsible decisions in the future. Unfortunately, often in that same magazine are articles on ways to get dates, how to have good make out sessions, how to copy sexy styles and pictures of scantily clad models in suggestive poses. Posting conflicting articles can put a sense of confusion in a girl’s head and can sometimes convey the wrong message. Girls may end up thinking that it is the norm to try to look sexy and to do things they normally would not do to try to get a guy. Gibbins (2003) goes on to explain that “instead of touching on sexual health related issues, these magazines focus on non-health related issues.” This means, magazines give teenage girls access to articles that can initiate sexual behavior and do not give the scary side of sex, like sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, or the safe side of sex, like contraceptive knowledge.

Surprisingly, sexual concepts are being introduced to females at an even earlier age than would be expected. Some dolls on the market, for example, Bratz dolls and Bling Bling Barbie, are dressed in skimpy outfits, wear fish net stockings, and have on way too much make up. Little girls play with these dolls and as a result these young girls are being introduced to our sexual culture at a younger age, even before they realize what sexual behavior is. “Introducing kids to a world of sex, long before a child can process what sexuality even is, can be harmful to emotional development” (Aikin 2008). Being introduced to sexuality before they are ready can cause a child to have low self confidence and a low body image later on in life, and as a result may make them turn to doing things they would not normally do sexually. Another result of being introduced to a sexually charged culture is girls asking for things that exhibit sexuality, such as highlighted hair, navel piercings, skimpier clothes, and even cosmetic surgery, at a much younger age (Aikin 2008). Parents sometimes give in and provide their children with these items that exhibit sexuality, and as a result help fuel early sexual behaviors in their daughters.

One begins to wonder, how does being exposed to so much sexual content affect adolescents? Well, “teens exposed to the most sexual content on TV are twice as likely as teens watching less of this material to become pregnant before they reach age 20” (Park, 2008, ¶ 2). If that is not shocking enough, think of this. Teens that observe a large quantity of sexual content in the media are more likely to have intercourse at an earlier age. In fact, “Analysts surveyed a national sample of households containing an adolescent from 12 to 17 years old. A total of 1762 adolescents were asked about their sexual experiences and also their television viewing habits” (Rand Health, 2004, ¶ 3). They asked the adolescents questions to gage their exposure to three different types of sexual content on television. A year later the same households were called and the adolescents were again asked questions. The results were astonishing. The adolescents that were exposed to the highest amount of sexual content on television were twice as likely as the ones who were exposed to the lowest amount to have engaged in some sort of sexual activity over the year (Rand Health 2004). Fortunately, there are measures that parents can take to reduce the likeliness of their children experiencing sexual activity too early.

There are steps parents can take to ensure that their child will not become a statistic. Teens are often less likely to have sex when they have good relationships with their parents and they have a good family structure at home. “For young women, estrangement at home often leads them to seek and establish intimate relationships outside the family, seeking the warmth and support they lack at home” (The Surgeon General 2001). Children need to know that they have a good support system at home, so it should always be emphasized that a child can come to a parent to talk, no matter what the subject is. “Close, warm parent-child relationships are associated with both postponement of sexual intercourse and more consistent contraceptive use by sexually active adolescents” (The Surgeon General 2001). Parents should make sure to monitor what teens watch and their internet activity. Monitoring the teens activity ensures that they are not being overexposed to forms of media with high amounts of sexual activity. Teens are also less likely to engage in sexual activity when there are boundaries set up in the home. Rules and boundaries that are set need to be enforced. Monitoring a teenager too much and setting excessive boundaries can cause a teen to rebel and go against ones wishes, so it is important to make sure that monitoring does not become excessive (The Surgeon General 2001). Most importantly, parents need to set a good example for their children. Parents need to be sure to instill their values in their children, especially where they stand on teen sex.

Adolescent females are being influenced by the sexual suggestions they see and hear in the media, and they are making choices based on that influence. Adolescents are watching more television than they have in the past and as a result are being exposed to higher amounts of various forms of sexuality. The sexuality that teenagers are exposed to when watching television is often more fantasy than reality, which skews their judgment and can lead to rash decisions. Magazines are sending out conflicting messages, making it even harder to decide what is the norm, sex or confidence. Even children’s toys are become more brazen when it comes to sexual attitudes. As a result, teens exposed to high amounts of sexual suggestions are more likely to participate in sexual activities and become pregnant at a younger age. By monitoring exposure to sexual suggestions, teens will be less likely to experiment sexually and to have to suffer the consequences of poor sexual choices.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Stupid Doctor

When I went to the doctor she brought me into her office to look at all my test results. She pulled them up on her computer screen and proceeded to go over everything. All of my insulin and glucose levels were normal, as were my thyroid (yeay we were worried i had a thyroid problem because it runs in my family) and anything else she could rule out. Knowing that she told me my best solution with dealing with PCOS is diet and exercise. That was all well and fine, I went prepared that she might tell me all the information she gave me. In fact I was excited that all I have to do is lose weight and I don't have to take any drugs.

Now brings me to the part of the appointment that pissed me off. I asked her how long do I need to wait to come in after DH comes home (he's deployed right now until April) to come back in if we're unsuccessful TTC). She told me that I would have to wait an entire year to come back in. I was confused, I explained to her we tried for a year and a half and I was told it didn't matter because me husband was gone and it had to be a consecutive year. By that point I was upset and I again explained we tried for a "consecutive" year and a half. So at this point she tells me that it didn't count because I didn't know that something was wrong at the time and I was doing nothing to prevent it. Ok, but still if you know I'm having infertility problems you're still going to make me wait a year? And then I explained to her that there is a history of infertility on my mom's side of the family, thinking that she would take that into consideration, but no. She then proceeds to tell me to have faith and to keep thinking positively and have more sex. AHH, by then I was fighting back tears. First off for not being able to have a child for almost three years I feel that I've been very positive with the situation. In fact I was very optimistic about my appointment this morning knowing that when I walked out of the doctor's today I would have a game plan. She also told me "it's not like you're 35, you're 22 and you have tons of time to try and have a baby." Well, personally I don't want to have to go through seven years of trying (that's how long it took my aunt to conceive her first child), and just because I'm young doesn't mean that it's going to be easy for me to get pregnant. AND there's no way I'm going to get a "consecutive" year of trying, which is what she wants. My DH is on a ship and they're NEVER home for a year solid. There's always little trips that last a couple weeks to a couple months that the take several times in between their deployments. So am I suppose to wait until DH gets out of the Navy? I don't think so!! But I do have a game plan. I'm going to do the whole diet and exercise thing and right before DH comes home I'm going to get off the BCP. I will give it six months and if we're not pregnant I will then switch doctor's and TRY to get a referral. I'm not waiting a year especially knowing that I've been having problems for so long, ya know?

Nervously Awaiting THE Appt.

It's six in the morning and I'm still awake. I have a doctor's appointment at eight thirty and knowing that I wouldn't even be tired until four I decided to stay up and just come home and sleep after my appointment. It's the day that we find out what my blood work said and what course of action my doctor decides to take with the whole PCOS thing. I'm nervous that she's going to tell me that it's something worse than PCOS, but that's just the hypochondriac in my talking. I'm such a worrier and I always think that the worst is going to happen. Wish me luck that the appointment goes well!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Call

My husband called this morning and I have to say I wasn't left with a happy feeling when I got off the phone. First he called from his cell phone overseas, which is going to cost us an arm and a leg. Then he kept talking to his friends...so he was spending money for nothing!! He wasn't even talking to me hardly!! So, now I'm upset, I kinda wish he didn't call unless he had time to talk to me, ya know?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Eights

I stole this from a blog, but feel free to do the same

Crazy Eights


8 TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1. Gilmore Girls

2. Roseanne

3. Army Wives

4. Scream Queens (I love bad reality shows)

5. Charmed

6. Seventh Heaven (lol, i'm all about the reruns)

7. Sex and the City

8. House



8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. O' Charleys

2. TaMollys

3. Chili's

4. Olive Garden

5. The Beehive

6. Outback Steakhouse

7. Seshuans (sp) (awesome chinese food)

8. uhhh McDonalds...lol



8 Things that Happened Today:

1. Bug guy sprayed my house

2. Ate peanut butter cookies

3. took the dogs outside

4. took a shower

5. watched tv

6. checked my email

7. called a few friends

8. played with the dogs



8 Things I Look Forward To:

1. Christmas

2. my niece being born

3. my cousin coming to visit in January

4. Justin coming home

5. seeing my family again

6. my birthday

7. buying a new bed and bedding

8. Justin coming home (I'm really excited for that so I put it twice)



8 Things on My Wishlist:

1. my husband coming home on time

2. a baby

3. to be out of debit

4. buying a new truck

5. moving

6. taking a vacation with my husband

7. finishing school

8. finding a job before the husband gets back home

Monday, November 17, 2008

Frustrating BCP

Ok, so it's birth control suppose to regulate your periods? Well, I'm going to take the fourth pill of the "reminder week" AND STILL NOTHING!!! I have no spotting, no cramping, nothing...So I'm thinking my body is saying "screw you birth control, I'll plan my cycle how I want to plan my cycle." I'm suppose to start my new pack on the day I go to the doctor so if AF doesn't show by then I'm going to see if I can switch pills. I read somewhere on the internet that if you have PCOS triphasic pills might not work, and that's what I'm on. So I guess we'll see but I'm frustrated because I was excited to have normal cycles for once.

*I woke up this morning with some spotting, so I guess I was just worrying for nothing!!*

Sunday, November 16, 2008

All the Little Bits Running Around in my Head

So I finally got the email I was waiting for. It was another really short one (two sentences this time), but I think it will be enough to get me through the next few days (or week depending on when I get the next one). He told me he loved me and that's all I needed to hear.

Everyone keeps asking me what I plan on doing for Thanksgiving? Well, it's too far to go home just for the weekend (19 hours) all of my friends are going home, so I will be here by myself. I'm ok with that really, since I'm going to be miserable without Justin wherever I go. But I've decided that even though I'm by myself my Thanksgiving can be special too. So I'm going to get a turkey breast and make a few of my favorite sides and have Thanksgiving by myself.

My cousin called this morning and told me that she wanted to come to Florida and visit. We looked at plane tickets online today and we found something fairly cheap, so I think she's going to come. I'm excited because that means she'll be bringing her baby boy and for a week there will be a baby in my house. So now I have something to look forward to sooner than Justin coming home. My time keeps getting broken down and I like that. So now it's Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with the family, cousin coming in January, my birthday in February (which I am doing something special for myself!!), Valerie's anniversary in March (we went out for mine and so we will go out for hers to) and then JUSTIN COMES HOME IN APRIL!!! Yeay so there's something exciting to do every month for the next five months

Friday, November 14, 2008

Emotional Basketcase

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate not being emotionally in control, but right now there's not a chance of gaining back my control. I start crying at random times and thinking about him makes it worse. It's not his fault, he had to go, it's his job. I know that, but unfortunately telling myself that doesn't make me feel much better.

My friend thinks that I should go home for Thanksgiving and come back when I originally planned, after New Year's. I can't stand to be around my family for that long and I really don't want to be there when my sister gives birth. I'm barely going to be able to handle being around the baby, I don't want to think about her going through labor, thinking it should be me.

Devious little thoughts, but I can't help it...I'm selfish...

I mean I'm the oldest (girl at least), I got married first, naturally it should be me right? We should be the first having a baby. But no, my sister gets my stepmom's wonderful fertility genes and she gets pregnant.

So yes, I'm going to sit here and be selfish because I got stuck with crappy infertility problems and you watch, all four of my sisters (even my biological one AND the lesbian who doesn't even normally have sex with men) will end up having no problems having babies if they so choose.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

My Selfish Feelings

So, in the past week I've only gotten one email. It consisted of one semi long sentence telling me he's okay, he's busy and tired. I know they're busy, but I write him EVERY DAY, sometimes twice a day. It hurts checking my email ten times a day and every time nothing!! It doesn't take that long to write a sentence...Does it? Maybe I'm just too selfish, I mean my husband is out there serving our country and I'm being petty about not getting another email in three days? I feel pitiful, but at the same time I think if he loved me wouldn't he care that I sit here worried because I DON'T hear from him for days at a time. I feel at war with myself right now. I feel like I need to be a dutiful wife and just keep my mouth shut and realize that there are going to be times that he can't contact me. Luckily, I don't express my feelings to him because I don't want to be the cause of his stress, so I can keep my selfish feelings to myself and not cause a rift...

Monday, October 27, 2008

Anniversary

I have to say, even though my husband wasn't here, my first anniversary wasn't too bad. I spent most of it being lazy and watching tv in bed. Then my friend called and we went and ran some errands and then went out to dinner with her two boys. Tomorrow we're going to carve pumpkins and go to soccer practice for her oldest. So I had an enjoyable time.

I got my email last night about 11:30 from my husband telling me happy anniversary and that he loved me. So I figured it was 30 minutes off, but I counted it because I knew I wouldn't get one today or for the next few days.

My dogs decided that they were going to tear apart my house while I was gone today. I was gone for like five hours (they usually stay home by themselves longer than that), but when I came home my latest Cosmo was in pieces on the floor and they had messed up the window sill. So now I have to go to Lowes tomorrow to buy paint and wood putty and hope I can hide the boo boo they did. I was so pissed they are STILL in their kennels and when I leave from now on they will probably stay in the kennels. This isn't the first time they've destroyed stuff and it's not like they're not getting enough attention or anything. So I have no idea, but I'm at my wits end with these dogs.

When I checked my email I had an email from my husband's yahoo account. They can only access they're military email on the ship, so I found this kind of strange. Before he left, he did one of those online cards so that way I got a card on our anniversary. I broke down and just started crying. I miss him terribly and I hate that he's gone.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday

Okay, there's tons of stuff that happened today so I'm just going to make a list and get it all out because this weekend is going to be busy and I'll probably forget by Sunday night.

1. I went to the doctor today to try to get a referral. She wanted to do the blood work there, which I had no problem with. What made me mad is she is doing the blood work to rule out more serious things, not to verify that I have PCOS. So pretty much as long as it's not anything else I'm just going to be treated for PCOS without anyone verifying that I do have it. That makes me mad!! What if I don't have PCOS, so I'm taking medication for nothing. Then she won't give me a referral so I can get a lap to see if I have endo. So I'm going to end up not getting my problem resolved and we're going to be no where when my husband gets home. I really wanted to be a little ahead so we could start TTC and have a chance. I've waited two years, how much longer am I going to have to wait till we can finally have a baby?

2. I found out today that the ship won't have any email starting the morning of October 27th. That is our one year anniversary and I won't even be able to send my husband an email telling him happy anniversary. I read that and I cried a little. It sucks that for our first year of marriage my husband has been gone half of it and now this.

3. We're going to a corn maze tomorrow!! I'm excited just because I am so tired of sitting at home by myself weekend after weekend. I'm a homebody, but even I have my limits. So watch out for lots of pictures, because I go picture crazy.

Well, it wasn't as much stuff as I thought. But it was important and I needed to get it off my chest.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Waiting

I check my email probably about twenty times a day...A little overkill I know, but I can't help it. I get through my days praying that there will something, anything in that inbox from him. Even if it is one sentence saying how bored he is, it's something!! Those "somethings" don't happen as often now. I know it's not his fault. They're busy, sometimes they don't even have email. That doesn't change the fact that I still check everyday, hoping. Sometimes I get lucky and I get two or three in one day and that can get me through a few days.

Once I even got lucky enough to get a phone call. It was at 4 in the morning on a night that I had actually fell asleep early, but I didn't care...I was so excited. I talked to him in a sleepy haze, just happy to be hearing my husband's voice after an entire month. And now I wait again for another wonderful phone call. My phone never leaves my side and every time it rings my heart leaps because I'm hoping it's him. It never is, but the cycle repeats every time that phone rings.

So now I'm just taking it day by day, waiting to hear from him, waiting for that wonderful day to come that our ship is back home. I have a lot of waiting to do, luckily it's not forever...I just have to go day by day, hour by hour.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Unwanted Guests

You know how you always hear that everything is bigger in Texas?? Ha!! They lie.

I went to go brush my teeth tonight and I found a cockroach about 1 1/2 inches long just sitting in my sink!! And me being hating bugs the way I do freaked out...

Let me explain something first before I continue. About a month ago I had some friends staying with me for a day. I went into the laundry room (which is a fairly large closet in my guest bathroom) to get some fresh sheets and I found a spider that was the size of golf ball circumference (that was legs included) in my sink. I freaked and got a flip flop and killed it, but that wasn't until after all the screaming!!

But these stupid bugs in Florida are huge!! We use to have a lot of bugs in Texas but they were never this big. And the bugs in Florida seem to like the sinks because I never find them anywhere else in my apartment.

So I Drainoed the sucker and shut all the drains in my sinks to make sure I didn't run into anymore unwanted guests in my bathroom sinks!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

School

I originally decided to go to college right out of high school...big mistake for me...My original major was nursing and I HATED it and I was barely scraping by in college. I lasted two years (well technically 1 1/2) just because I was so scared of letting my dad down so I kinda tried. I had no drive and ambition and I...well I just didn't care. It was not a place I thrived and I was miserable. So during my fourth semester of school I quit going and I ended up getting kicked out of school.

Fast forward a few years...

Ever since my husband went into the Navy, I was always jealous. He was doing something good with his life and everyone was proud of and he and I was just the big fat failure. I know that sounds childish, but unfortunately in my family that's how it works. When one of my sisters went into the army it was like she was the golden child all the sudden...and she had spent her childhood being the biggest screw up in our family. Anyways, so I decided I wanted to do something good to, something for everyone to be proud of...so I decided to go back to school.

Since traditional college and I didn't mesh too well, I decided to take a different approach. I looked into University of Phoenix online, liked what I found, and decided to enroll. Now let me tell you I love it!! I only have to take 2 classes every 9 weeks instead of 4-5 for a semester. So I don't feel so overwhelmed with work all the time. I'm taking English which I failed twice at my university and got kicked out of the last time...and (drum roll please)...I have a B!!! I thrive in this environment and I finally feel that I will successfully be able to get through school and get a degree. So watch out, in a few years this girl is going to be educated!!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Today was just a day

Today has been another ordinary day, getting me one day closer to Justin coming home. I went to a meeting with the wives on our ship and of course I volunteered for half the stuff that they needed help with. I guess part of me wants to have busy work, but then part of me wants everyone to like me because I'm an "active" wife. Oh well, it's something to do in between assignments.

I went tonight and got one of those Frosties with M&Ms in it from Wendys. I wanted Sonic, but I waited too long and they were closed. Darn those midnight cravings for ice cream!!

Shortly after I ate my ice cream, I got a dizzy spell. It seems ever since we got down here I've been getting them quite frequently. I think that was my third one and we've been here a month and a half. It was to the point where I was only getting them a couple times a year. It's not something I really want to go to the doctor for. It's something I've dealt with all my life and it's something I've learned to live with. And my fear of doctor's is bigger than the fear something is wrong and I might die. I am such a basket case I know.

At the meeting today they were making fun of me because of nuts...yes nuts. I have this thing where certain types of nuts makes me gag when I eat them. I have the strangest food aversions. But I wouldn't eat this yummy looking cookie because I didn't want to chance there being nuts in it. So now I guess I'm the "weird one" in the group...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Fall Festival

So yesterday I went to this fall festival thing they were having on base. Now normally this is something I WOULD NOT do, but when my friends were telling me about it, I could hear Justin's voice in my head telling me "Do it babe. You need to get out of the house more."

So I went...

It really wasn't that bad. There was a lot of people, well at least to me. Okay it was really kinda lame, it was geared towards people with kids...and I have no kids. But I dealt with it because I wanted to pretend to be social.

My friend decided she wanted to get caricatures done. We stood in that line for TWO HOURS!! Another lady I knew got into line behind us with her two year old daughter. Now normally because of the whole baby thing I don't like having little kids around me, but I fell in love with this beautiful blond haired girl.

When I finally sat in the chair to get my picture done I really wished I hadn't. I hate people staring at me and the guy looks at you with this intense gaze. I understand that he's an artist and he's just trying to make you're picture look like you but it still creeped me out. And he drew my boobs, so I know he had to stare at them for just a second...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Life So Far

So Justin's ship has been gone for about a month and a half now. I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be. When he was going through boot camp I was a mess and I thought it would never end. Luckily this first month flew by. Part of me wants him back home but then part of me likes the fact that I don't have to deal with him.

Is that wrong of me to feel that way?

I finally took myself to the doctor last week...

For those of you who don't know we've been TTC for two years with a 6 month break for Navy stuff. For those two years I have had extremely irregular cycles, but I have a fear of doctors so I couldn't bring myself to go.

Well, I finally went and what she told me didn't shock me. I had prepared myself and I knew what she was going to say. I was told there's a possibility that i have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and maybe Endometriosis. I have to go back and get blood work done and tests done so that way I have it somewhat under control when Justin comes back.

Unfortunately, we're military so with our health care you have to have a referral to go to any doctor off base. So now I'm waiting for my appointment with my Primary Care Manager to plead my case for that blessed referral to go get all those tests done. I hate having to explain things to people, I get flustered. I just hope this goes smoothly and she willingly gives me that referral.

So for now I'm waiting for AF to show so I can begin birth control to regulate myself. I'm excited to have normal periods again. How many females will tell you they're excited to have a period?? Lol...