Haylee Jo

This TTC process has been really hard, so I thought seeing a new baby would just send my blood boiling. In fact, when I first arrived home I refused to hold the baby, made up some lame excuse about "being scared to hold babies" or something stupid like that. Truth is, I'm not afraid to hold babies, I LOVE to hold babies, but it's come to the point I'm so jealous that the babies I'm holding aren't mind that I just try to avoid it at all costs. Well that all changed when I FINALLY held my niece for the first time. She is so freakin adorable that I couldn't hold the fact she wasn't mine against her.

I mean who could resist that face??

So now I tote the title of Aunt proudly. I love Miss Haylee unconditionally and it makes me sad that we're not closer so I can see her more. I hope that when I finally do get the blessing of my own child he/she is as adorable and as lovable as my niece is.

Chemo

I've been waiting to post this for a few reasons. First, I was trying to let everything sink in and trying to get settled back in Florida. And then when I got ready to post I didn't want to make it seem I was just posting because of what was happening to Candi's mom (I hate it to seem like I try to steal people's spot light, even if that wouldn't have been the case).

Anyways, here goes:

My mom and I were driving back to OKC from Iowa (we had to go up to help my grandparents clean up because of a water pipe that burst in their house while they were away) and my dad called.

Quick detour to make the story make sense: My stepmom had to have a lump removed from her breast the day after I arrived in Texas. This is the third one they've found so far (starting back when I was in high school), the first one was cancerous the other one wasn't. This lump has grown quicker than the other two did, it grew at an alarming rate and it might have EXPLODED (my mom's words not mine) if they hadn't removed it. Anyways they did the testing on the lump which catches us up to my story.

Well, my dad calls to tell me the test has come back on my mom's (stepmom but her and my dad have been married FOREVER she's been part of my life since I was nine and once upon a time she was more of a mom than my biological mom was) lumpectomy and it's cancerous...

All he tells me is that they're going to have to do three weeks of radiation and that was that. I never asked when they were starting, what happens if it doesn't work, NOTHING...I was in a state of shock.

Well, he called me a few days ago to see if I had made it home and I found the courage to ask the questions I couldn't ask before. This is what I found out:

• She has already started radiation
• When she finishes the radiation they will do more tests to see if it cleared up the hot spots around where the lump was
• If the radiation doesn't work she'll have to go through chemotherapy

CHEMOTHERAPY!?!?! By then I was choking back the tears, I didn't want my dad to hear me cry. When the first lump turned up cancerous she had to go through the radiation and that was all it took. But even the mention of chemotherapy scares the s*** out of me. I know that it's a little too early to tell if she'll have to go that far, but something about this feels different. The fact that the lump grew SO QUICKLY makes me think that it's not going to be as easy this time around. But then again I may be wrong.

I hope to God I'm wrong...

Oops

So, I really hate technology right now...

J called me the night that I arrived to OKC, but I was so tired that I slept like a baby. I was sleeping so hard that I didn't even hear the phone ring when he called (a rarity for me anymore!!). In that first voice mail he said that he would try to call back New Year's Day.

So I kept the phone right under my pillow and made sure it was set to the LOUDEST ringer on my phone so there was no chance that I would miss another phone call. New Year's came and went without a phone call, so I was SEEING RED because I totally thought that he had forgotten about me.

Fast forward to today. My mom and I might be driving up to Iowa tomorrow to go help her parent's so I went to call my grandma (dad's mom) to tell her so that way I could go visit her also when we got there (they live in the same town). My phone wouldn't let me put any calls through, but I figured it was just because I wasn't getting any bars in the garage. So I eventually called my phone from my mom's and it went straight to voice mail. Weird, I had paid the bill and it's ON so why would it go straight to voice mail?

So I went inside and turned it off and then back on and all the sudden five texts pop up on my phone, and....a voice mail. I checked the voice mail and it was J!!!! My stupid A** phone froze and so I missed his phone call AGAIN!!!!!! And here I was pissed at him because I thought HE had forgotten about me and all along it was my phone being a jack***.

Now I feel horrible because to me it looks like I ignored him (I don't know if he thinks of it that way, but you never know) and here I was about ready to kill him because I thought he was having "too good of a time" to call me.

Uggh I hate this d*** phone!!!

Halfway Point

December 30th was the halfway point for this deployment. So we've finally reached the hump and it's downhill from here. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Every time I see him again after being away for a while I'm always scared that what attracted him to me will be magically gone and then our marriage will be done. It's such a paranoid thought, but he's seeing exotic women around the world and I'm a frumpy housewife from Nebraska. How can I compare? Ugh, I can be a neurotic mess sometimes.

Goals for the New Year

The year of 2008 really wasn't a good year for me. My husband was gone for most of it and I really felt lost without him. So, I've been reflecting on what a crappy time I had and I've decided that I'm going to make 2009 better. I've made a list of goals (I like the word goals instead of resolutions personally).

-I've decided that I need to find a job. I hate feeling like I'm mooching (I know that it's "our" money but I've always been independent financially), but I don't want just any job. I want a job that I feel some sort of satisfaction at so I don't end up job hopping until I'm done with school just because I hate what I do.

-I really want to take a vacation. In a perfect world I would want to travel to another country just because the only one I've ever been to is Canada and I aspire to be a world traveler. But I figure I'll compromise to visit somewhere in the US that I haven't been to yet. So by the end of 2009 I will have gone to Disney World at least once. I figure it's close to home and I've ALWAYS wanted to go there ever since I was a little kid.

-Ideally I would like to be debt free by the start of 2010. Unfortunately, we have too much debt for that to be a reality so I'm settling for having half the credit card debt paid off. We have approximately $8000 so I figure $4000 paid off is a reasonable goal for a year.

-I really hate the fact that I rarely get to see my husband because of the Navy. So I've decided that I am going to make the time we do have this year the best it can be. When he's home date nights will be instituted again (I'm a real homebody so it's hard for me to want to go out sometimes) and I will try to make sure we're not going to the same places EVERY TIME because it sucks falling in a rut.

-I also want to be moved out of our apartment. Realistically we're not in a place in our life where we can buy a house, but I at least want to rent one. I want a place for my pups to be able to play (Henry loves being outside) and get the outdoor exposure that they desire. I'm also tired of having people all around me and it would be nice to have a little space.

If you haven't noticed, I mentioned nothing about TTC or being pregnant by next year. I feel that if I stress on setting a "goal" of becoming pregnant and it doesn't happen I will feel like a failure. I understand that it's out of my hands right now (especially since there's no guarantee how much time J will be home before the next deployment). So right now I'm taking a "if it happens great, if it doesn't it's not the end of the world" approach to keep my sanity in check.

Childish Feelings

My sister had her baby yesterday and it was a very emotional experience, even from all the way over here. I had called my dad the night before it happened because my brother had told me my step mom thought Kodi was going in labor. After I confirmed that she was at the hospital and got off the phone I began to think "who would be there for me when I went into labor?" Justin being in the Navy makes me nervous when it actually comes to having kids because there's always a good chance that he'll miss out on the birth. And I can't go through it by myself, I need someone there. So the thought of being alone when I'm giving birth to babies sends me into a panic attack and I call my mom in a fit of tears. I told her how I was feeling (I tell my mom everything) and asked if she would be there for me if Justin can't be. She told me she would be there even if Justin CAN be, which made me feel a lot better.

But I don't know about my dad and my step mom (most importantly my step mom). I'm scared to ask because I don't want the answer to be "no you're too far away." I've always felt that they care about me less than they do their other kids. We had a falling out a few years ago and that wonderful relationship that we had dissolved instantly. My step mom and I use to be so close, closer than my mom and I. And now when I'm in the house it's like I'm a stranger looking in, not part of the family.

I just feel so alone and isolated over here in Florida. But really how is it any different than Texas? I lived ten minutes (on a good day) away from my parents and I felt then just like I do now. The only difference is I had tons of wonderful ladies that were surrogate mothers and my in laws (they can be annoying sometimes but I love them) and I had great friends. So even though my step mom and I were in different worlds, I still had family in Texas. And now I have a few friends, but they'll be moving within the next year and then I'll be alone again.

*You know any time I talk about this subject I feel like I'm a whiny kid again, so if that's how it comes across pay no mind to me. When it comes to my parents I think I do revert back to a "whiny kid."*

10 Days

Ten days until I leave Florida...

I am so excited to see my family!!! My sister might be induced early, and I haven't decided yet if I want to be in the waiting room when she has the baby (I still have baby issues and jealousy issues), so I don't know if I'm going to leave early so I can be there in time or not. We'll see though...