Childish Feelings

My sister had her baby yesterday and it was a very emotional experience, even from all the way over here. I had called my dad the night before it happened because my brother had told me my step mom thought Kodi was going in labor. After I confirmed that she was at the hospital and got off the phone I began to think "who would be there for me when I went into labor?" Justin being in the Navy makes me nervous when it actually comes to having kids because there's always a good chance that he'll miss out on the birth. And I can't go through it by myself, I need someone there. So the thought of being alone when I'm giving birth to babies sends me into a panic attack and I call my mom in a fit of tears. I told her how I was feeling (I tell my mom everything) and asked if she would be there for me if Justin can't be. She told me she would be there even if Justin CAN be, which made me feel a lot better.

But I don't know about my dad and my step mom (most importantly my step mom). I'm scared to ask because I don't want the answer to be "no you're too far away." I've always felt that they care about me less than they do their other kids. We had a falling out a few years ago and that wonderful relationship that we had dissolved instantly. My step mom and I use to be so close, closer than my mom and I. And now when I'm in the house it's like I'm a stranger looking in, not part of the family.

I just feel so alone and isolated over here in Florida. But really how is it any different than Texas? I lived ten minutes (on a good day) away from my parents and I felt then just like I do now. The only difference is I had tons of wonderful ladies that were surrogate mothers and my in laws (they can be annoying sometimes but I love them) and I had great friends. So even though my step mom and I were in different worlds, I still had family in Texas. And now I have a few friends, but they'll be moving within the next year and then I'll be alone again.

*You know any time I talk about this subject I feel like I'm a whiny kid again, so if that's how it comes across pay no mind to me. When it comes to my parents I think I do revert back to a "whiny kid."*

10 Days

Ten days until I leave Florida...

I am so excited to see my family!!! My sister might be induced early, and I haven't decided yet if I want to be in the waiting room when she has the baby (I still have baby issues and jealousy issues), so I don't know if I'm going to leave early so I can be there in time or not. We'll see though...

Doormat

I have this friend, if you want to call her a friend. I feel this friend takes advantage of me.

Ok, so my friend's husband is in the Navy. He was deployed a few weeks before Justin was. They're stationed in VA, but she was staying down in Florida with her sister and that's how I met her because her sister was my next door neighbor. Well, she was down here for about a month and then her sister decided to up and leave and move to Hawaii with her husband (they were separated before that) without even telling anyone until the last minute. So my friend stayed with me a few days and then headed back up to VA, no big deal right?

Well, my friend has a man friend down here in Florida. She says that he's just a friend, but a long time ago they had an affair together. My friend still makes trips to Florida to come see her nephew because he's in a program down in Orlando until June and since his mom is in Hawaii, he has no one else. So when my friend comes to Florida she stays here and then drives down to Orlando on Sundays.

Well, she came through for one of these trips in October and she asked if she could stay with me and if I would watch her daughter when she went down to Orlando because she couldn't come (kids aren't allowed because of the type of program it is). I agreed, no big deal. I love her daughter and I was excited to have some company because I get bored down here. Well, they got down here Thursday night and she immediately dumps her kid on me and then goes and spends the night at this man's house. I was a little upset, but you know it was no big deal. Well then I had a meeting on Friday and she knew this and she almost didn't come back in time and we were almost late for our meeting. When I got home, she wasn't there and she didn't come back till late. She again drops her kid off and goes and spends the night at this man's house. By now, I'm a little more upset because she's not even taking a moment to visit with me, but there's still two more days, no big deal. On Saturday she drives to Orlando to go visit her nephew, but this man goes with her. I had cooked dinner that night and she comes back to my apartment two hours after they get back into town. By now I'm pissed because I went out of my way to cook, she knew I made dinner, and I felt like I was being walked all over. In my mind though, I was like "fine, whatever" because the weekend was almost over. But you can bet I'd never go out of my way for her again.

Fast forward to this weekend. Her, her mom, and her daughter are down here to spend Thanksgiving with this man. I was invited, but I feel hugely uncomfortable with the fact that she spends so much time with this man while her husband is away. But, me being me didn't want to tell her this and hurt her feelings so I faked a stomach illness. So yesterday she called me and they're going down to see her nephew. She kept hinting at the fact that she needed someone to watch her daughter, but I refused to volunteer. Tonight, I went shopping with them and of course she asked what I was doing tomorrow and then asked if I'd watch her daughter. I hate being put on the spot. My mind fumbled over an excuse and I didn't want to just flat out say no and hurt her daughter's feelings, especially since she was sitting right next to me in the car. So now, here I am again. I'm mad because I don't want to babysit. I'm in the middle of quitting smoking and I'm still going through my detox period, so I'm pretty cranky. I don't think I'll be able to handle her daughter and not get snippy. UGHHHH!!!!!

They're coming back through in December to go see her nephew and it's the weekend right before I leave to go home to Texas. I feel that I will resort to lying again (which I hate to do) and tell them I'm leaving early to go see the baby so I'm not roped into babysitting YET AGAIN!!!!

She Said Yes

Justin called me ahead of time and told me that he had something that he wanted to give me and he was on his way out to the house. When he got there he told me he wanted to go for a drive and I figured it was because Katie's sister was there and they didn't get along very well. So, I jumped in the truck and we drove out to the lake. After driving around for for a few minutes, he found a spot and parked. The lake is my favorite place because you can see so many stars and it is so peaceful and quiet out there. When he parked he handed me a bottle of perfume and told me that was my present. It wasn't the first time that he randomly gave me perfume, so I thought nothing of it and decided to get out of the truck. We both got out at the same time and then he reached back in the truck to turn up the music. About halfway around the truck I had realized that I had forgotten my cigarettes and went back in the cab to grab them. When I got back to the tailgate, he was standing in the bed of the truck and he practically shoved the ring box into my face...

"Will you marry me?"

I was so shocked that I just stood there for a minute, forgetting that I was suppose to give an answer. Finally, I sputtered "yes."

I had already known about the ring. He made the mistake of texting my friend and telling her that he bought it. That day we were running around and I was in charge of checking the phones, so I was the one who got the message. He had found that out and waited forever to actually give me the ring, trying to bring back the element of surprise.

It worked, I was shocked. After we sat at the lake for a couple minutes, I decided that I was hungry so we went to Sonic to grab a bite. Every time I drive by that particular Sonic I smile, knowing that was the first action of the beginning of my new life.

I honestly cannot tell you the date that he asked me. I cannot tell you what we were wearing or what was playing on the radio. I do remember the bottle of perfume I received, every time I smell it I remember. And I will always remember how I felt, how excited and in love I was at that very moment.

My List

So, now it's time to put it in high gear and get things ready to go. I only have two weeks until I start heading back to Texas and I have SOOO much to do to get ready.

• My car is a disaster area and I hate traveling in a messy car
• the dogs really need a bath and to get their paws groomed again
• dishes need to be done and trash taken out (I forgot when I went to Chicago once and come home to some nasty smelling dishes)
• My grandpa is my name person this year and I need to go buy his gift, since I can't get it in Abilene
• pack (I'm a procrastinator and normally wait till the last minute to do this)
• I need to go get my car checked out to see why my check engine light is on
• I need an oil change, but I'm still debating whether I want to wait till I actually get to Texas to do that because that's about when I'm going to actually need it
• I need to wrap the gifts for my inlaws

I'm sure there's more, in fact I know that as I go I will add at least another ten items to my list. I'm excited to go home, but the weeks leading up are going to be stressful.

Thanksgiving

Everyone has been asking me for the past month what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and it's kind of starting to get on my nerves. My husband is gone, my family is 20 hours away, and all of my friends have gone out of town, so I will be doing nothing for Thanksgiving. For some reason that freaks everyone out, "how can she not be spending Thanksgiving with anyone?" Really, is it that big of deal? Yes, it is a family holiday and you're meant to eat lots of food and spend it with the people you love. Well, I don't have access to the people I love, so I'd just rather spend it alone then try to find someone I "kind of" know to spend it with. And I am fine with that. I think that's what boggle's people's mind the most. I am not upset that I will not be eating turkey this year and I will be by myself. I mean, I get to go home in a few weeks and spend Christmas with my family. I personally like Christmas better anyways, you get to open presents AND you get to eat food that you would eat at Thanksgiving. That's awesome if you ask me. So I just wish that people wouldn't have put such emphasis on the fact that I am by myself for a holiday. Are they going to freak when Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter come around and I'm sitting in Florida "by myself"? Because that's what Thanksgiving boils down to this year, just another holiday.

Coping

So, I've just realized today that I haven't talked to my husband in a week and haven't gotten an email in nine days. Want to know the sad part? It took me a week to realize that I hadn't talked to him in a while. Does that mean that I'm slowly forgetting? I honestly don't think so. We learned about coping mechanisms one time and I think that blocking out thoughts of him is mine. I mean I love my husband and it started hurting that he was emailing me less. Unfortunately because of what he's doing right now he can't, so my best bet was to quit thinking about it or I was going to drive myself crazy (quite literally) before April arrived.

The best part is that it's working.

Hopefully because I'm able to block out the pain (which was making the deployment DRAG) things will start picking up (which in a few weeks when I can go back home they will anyways).

So I guess yeay for me for finally learning to cope!!!