Emotional Basketcase

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate not being emotionally in control, but right now there's not a chance of gaining back my control. I start crying at random times and thinking about him makes it worse. It's not his fault, he had to go, it's his job. I know that, but unfortunately telling myself that doesn't make me feel much better.

My friend thinks that I should go home for Thanksgiving and come back when I originally planned, after New Year's. I can't stand to be around my family for that long and I really don't want to be there when my sister gives birth. I'm barely going to be able to handle being around the baby, I don't want to think about her going through labor, thinking it should be me.

Devious little thoughts, but I can't help it...I'm selfish...

I mean I'm the oldest (girl at least), I got married first, naturally it should be me right? We should be the first having a baby. But no, my sister gets my stepmom's wonderful fertility genes and she gets pregnant.

So yes, I'm going to sit here and be selfish because I got stuck with crappy infertility problems and you watch, all four of my sisters (even my biological one AND the lesbian who doesn't even normally have sex with men) will end up having no problems having babies if they so choose.