Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving y'all, I hope you're having a good holiday so far. I am currently sitting here watching the Macy's Day Parade and making some chocolate chip cookies (which aren't turning out as well as they should...I keep forgetting about them) that I will be taking with me in a bit to my friend's house. We are going to a friend's house for Thanksgiving today. I am very excited, she's an awesome cook!! Tomorrow that same friend and I are going to shopping. I've never actually been shopping on Black Friday because I've always had to work. So I really want to go out just for the experience. Then on Saturday we are cleaning house, rearranging furniture AND putting up decorations. Yes, I am one of those people that go Christmas crazy the day after Thanksgiving. If given the chance I'd probably put up decorations at the beginning of November, lol.

Everything is going good on the baby front. I am still pregnant :) which is a miracle to me. I've been really tired, I have to go to the bathroom ALL the time, my boobs hurt SO bad, and I only get queasy every once in a while. Oh and did I mention the mood swings...well I sure do have those. I have been relishing every single symptom because in my mind it means the bean is snuggled in for a long time. I just hope everything continues to progress this nicely.

State of Shock

So I went to the clinic on base yesterday to get a pregnancy test done...

It was positive

I'm still in shock. Someone else has confirmed what I saw on the pee stick. I'm not crazy anymore. I really am pregnant. J said that he feels good about it this time and he thinks I'll be able to carry this baby.

At the clinic you have to take a class to give you info on what to expect to happen throughout the pregnancy and birth. My class is December 8th and then I'll get to make an appointment with one of the OBs at the clinic. I will definitely continue taking a test once a week for piece of mind till I get to see the baby.

Please keep your fingers crossed that this continues to work out :)

Round Three

Yep, we are pregnant again!! This is the third time, but the most beautiful line I've ever seen. I never got a dark line with the two chemical pregnancies. They were the barely there lines that I almost could have imaged. But this baby showed up immediately and I watched in amazement as the line just got darker and darker. The most amazing part...this is how dark the line was in the afternoon after only holding my pee for an hour and a half and drinking a can of soda in that time.

I am only four weeks and I'm very nervous. I'm so scared that this will just end in disappointment once again but at the same time I have a feeling...

I almost feel like it's time, this is finally going to be my baby. I'm going tomorrow to get a test done at the clinic and I think I'm going to call the RE's office and see if they will bring me in to do blood and test my progesterone to make sure that wasn't my problem before.

I promise to keep the updates coming and please keep all crossables crossed that this bean is snuggled in tight and it STICKS!!

RE Appointment

So much has happened within the last week, I have so much to tell you guys. So I decided to grow some balls and finally make my appointment for the RE last Tuesday. Turns out they had a new patient cancellation for the next day...talk about shocked I wasn't prepared to be sitting in the doctor's office that quickly. So I went and did that and I've ALREADY had two other appointments. This doctor's office does not play around. I had an HSG on Tuesday and an ultrasound and phsyical on Wednesday. My HSG was clear (yeay) and it was extremely uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn't handle. It was cool to watch everything fill up with the dye and it definitely brought a sense of relief as I watched that dye spread through my reproductive system. The ultrasound on Wednesday definitely confirmed the PCOS diagnosis. Both of my ovaries are polycystic. The NP also thinks that I have either a dermoid cyst or an endometrioma on my right ovary. My doctor came in and also caused pain to figure out where they needed to look during the laparoscopy. Yes, a laparoscopy. Based on my history he thinks that I also have endometriosis. So I should be having the surgery within the next one to two months. I'm very nervous about it because I do not react well the general anesthesia. I think after the surgery is when they are going to decide what course of action they need to take. So right now we just need to get J's SA done and I have to get my glucose tested (because of the PCOS) and I have to make an appointment with the general surgeon that will assist on my lap. Keep your fingers crossed that we are one step closer in our journey ladies!!

Partylite

Do y'all know what Partylite candles are?? They are awesome yummy smelling candles and I have become addicted. I have a friend who hosts candle parties every once in a while and I have to say I have fallen in love. I got this yummy smelling fragrance along with this cute candle holder to go with it. I also got this adorable candle set for Christmas. I got all my stuff today from my friend and I'm so excited, like a kid on Christmas morning. They have tons of cute stuff for Christmas, so I'll probably buy a few things off the website here and there :-)

TTC Update

I continue to be a very bad blogger and I'm sorry. I have missed the input of you ladies, but I promise I have faithfully read your blogs everyday, even if I have not commented. I have tried a few times, but it seems on certain blogs I cannot leave comments (like your blog Kari and I ALWAYS have things to say) anymore. I really do want to be a better blogger so I've decided that I'm going to revamp my blog posts (more to come on that later). Here's some updates on what's been going on with me lately:

I was able to get pregnant for the second time (the cycle right after my chemical). I took 3 internet cheapies and two digitals:



All five came back positive. I went to the clinic the next day to get it confirmed and the test at the clinic came back negative. A few days later I started cramping very badly and bleeding and I knew...another chemical. I was devastated that this could happen twice in a row. I've since come to terms with the second CP and we're trucking through a new cycle currently. I decided to try out soy. I've been reading about it on the TTC boards and I figured it wasn't going to hurt anything, so why not. I'm pretty sure I've already ovulated (a week or so earlier than I had been so that's exciting), but I was pretty bad with temps a few days ago so I'm not sure. I also have a referral to an RE finally, but I've been too chicken to make an appointment. I mean I know I have IF, but it seems actually going to see someone about my fertility is making it real. Like I could pretend everything was fine, but now I have to face it. I'm also scared that there's more wrong than just the PCOS and I'm VERY scared they're going to tell me I'll never be able to have babies. Unfortunately my brain always goes the the worst case scenarios, even if it probably isn't the case.

Mid Year Evaluation

I was looking through my old blog posts and I found the goals that I set for the beginning of the year. I thought I'd evaluate them since 2009 is almost half way gone and I'd see how well I'm progressing.

-I've decided that I need to find a job. I hate feeling like I'm mooching (I know that it's "our" money but I've always been independent financially), but I don't want just any job. I want a job that I feel some sort of satisfaction at so I don't end up job hopping until I'm done with school just because I hate what I do. Check. Lol it is only McDonald's and I don't really get any "job satisfaction" but at least I'm contributing to the cash flowing coming into our household.

-I really want to take a vacation. In a perfect world I would want to travel to another country just because the only one I've ever been to is Canada and I aspire to be a world traveler. But I figure I'll compromise to visit somewhere in the US that I haven't been to yet. So by the end of 2009 I will have gone to Disney World at least once. I figure it's close to home and I've ALWAYS wanted to go there ever since I was a little kid. Disney has a FANTASTIC deal for the military and it's because of this deal that we are going to be able to make this "dream" of mine a reality. We have been saving up and hopefully in October I will get to check this goal off my list. It'll be a fun thing to do around anniversary time.

-Ideally I would like to be debt free by the start of 2010. Unfortunately, we have too much debt for that to be a reality so I'm settling for half the credit card debt paid off. We have approximately $8000 so I figure $4000 paid off is a reasonable goal for a year. Ugh we aren't even going to begin to discuss this one. I am no where close to reaching my goal and I don't think I'll ever be. I wish I could win a million dollars so I would be set.

-I really hate the fact that I rarely get to see my husband because of the Navy. So I've decided that I am going to make the time we have this year the best it can be. When he's home date nights will be instituted again (I'm a real homebody so it's hard for me to want to go out sometimes) and I will try to make sure we're not going to the same places EVERY TIME because it sucks falling into a rut. Okay I am failing miserably at this goal. I am attached to my husband's hip when we're both off work because I can't get enough of the man, but we don't ever do anything. Part of it is we really don't have the money, but still I could make an effort. We rarely go out and when we do it's to the same places. This is my fault (bad Megan) and something I need to work on.

-I also want to be moved out of our apartment. Realistically we're not in a place in our life where we can buy a house, but I at least want to rent one. I want a place for my pups to be able to play (Henry loves being outside) and get the outdoor exposure that they desire. I'm also tired of having people all around me and it would be nice to have a little space. This is not going to happen. This was a big goal of mine so I looked and researched and decided that it just wasn't a possibility. We don't really have the money to do another deposit and another first months rent. We don't have the money to rent a truck to move all our stuff either. Plus after we sign our new lease our rent only goes up ten dollars a month so living here is still pretty cheap. So it's been decided that we'll stay in the apartment another year and we'll reevulate next summer.

3 Year Anniversary

This month marks three years since DH and I decided that we were going to try and have a baby. I have seen MANY people get pregnant and have babies. In fact my friend's baby (she got pregnant the month we started trying) is two now. It just blows my mind that a twenty year old couldn't get pregnant easily, but three years later here I am. It was a very sad cycle for me, but at the same time very informative. I got faint positives on FRER on 10DPO, 11DPO and 12 DPO. Then yesterday morning nothing and I started spotting. This morning I have lovely cramps and AF is here full force. I think it is easier for me to deal with blank FRER than what I've dealt with this month. I thought it was really it. I thought we had done it. But in a way we kinda did right?? Until now I've never even had a chemical pregnancy. So we know that we were preggo even for a BRIEF moment. It gives me hope. So I'm taking the things we did do different (we had sex three days before I ovulated and I layed on my stomach instead of my back because of my inverted uterus) and try again next month.

Catching Up

So much for posting more often, right?? So lets see, what's been going on:

I have a friend who has decided to adopt through the state of Florida. They already have two boys, but her and her husband wants a girl and of course wants to help out a child so their going the adoption route. They are currently going through the classes that Florida requires prospective adoptive and foster parents to take. So to help them out I've been babysitting their boys on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think it's awesome that they're adopting and it gives me an insight into the adoption process in Florida when we decide to adopt too.

Plus...I got a free bed out of the deal. Her and her husband bought a new king sized mattress set for their bedroom, so they had an extra queen sized mattress set. She gave me the one out of the guest room that has only been used a few times and we got that over to our apartment on Saturday. It has been a GOD SEND!! We had a full sized in their before and it was uncomfortable to sleep because there just was not enough bed. So I have been sleeping a lot better over the last few nights :)

My classes ended last Sunday. I did HORRIBLE!! I lost my motivation and my drive and I just screwed off. I'm kicking myself in the butt now, but hey it's too late to worry about it. I started my new ones today and after that week break I am ready to do fantastic.

The job is going well too. I work about 25-30 hours a week and I love the people I work with. It's not to bad for being a job to get me out of the house.

We might be going to Disneyworld in October. Disneyworld has this deal right now where people serving in the military get a free 5-day ticket and they get up to 5 tickets for family for 99 dollars. I've been waiting to use this until it cools down and our anniversary is in October so I figured it would be a great anniversary trip.

Justin's ship is leaving from the middle of November until the 22nd of December. A WHOLE MONTH!!! This means we won't be able to go home for Christmas. Luckily, we had already planned on not going home. I really want to spend Christmas with just my husband, this just gives me a good excuse to give everyone else.

Oh and I'm 9DPO and of course waiting anxiously to test. BD timing was way off, but there's a slight chance. Definitely do not have my hopes up, but it would be nice :)

Jessica

Did I ever tell you about my friend Jessica?? Jessica was my next door neighbor when we lived in Texas and we've become very close...in fact she's probably one of the best friends I have. Well right before J left for his first deployment Jessie told me she was pregnant so her and her fiance were postponing the wedding (they were suppose to get married in November 2008). I was a tad hurt at first but quickly got over it because, well it's my Jessie and I can't stay angry at her for anything. Well, she had her baby on May 6th and we were lucky enough to be in town visiting so we got to see him before we went home. Here's some pictures of Alex (that's his name, Alexander Nicholas, I love it so old school) so we can all share in his cuteness :)



Alex in the hospital



The first day they brought him home



The proud new mom with her baby

I'm Moving On

This morning I was woken up by a text. It was my friend Terra and she tells me that she's pregnant. Her and this guy have been going out for a few months (BUT we've known him for a few years, and I always knew they were meant to be together). Normally I would be pissed if someone told me they were pregnant, but I wasn't...I was happy...First off it was Terra. I could never be mad at anything Terra says and I know she wanted to be a mom (they weren't trying it just happened but we've talked about this in the past). I also think that I'm past the point that I'm jealous of people getting pregnant when I can't. I have left the fate of whether I will naturally have a baby or not in God's hands and I think I can be genuinely happy when listening to other's good news. :) it's such a good feeling to not feel angry and upset

Updates

Okay so I'm not pregnant...I figured as much but I still had my hopes up. I've been cramping for the past three days and it finally came this evening. Oh well off to the next cycle, I think I'm going to temp again just so I know when I ovulate.

I lost my purse on Friday. I went to Walmart to buy my friend's daughter a birthday present and I think that I left it in my cart when i got out to my car. I was on the phone so I was definitely not paying attention to what I was doing. I am such a scatter brain when it comes to my stuff it doesn't surprise me in the least. But stupid me had my social security card in my purse so I have to get ANOTHER new one...grrr. Luckily my military id and debit card were in my car so at least I can still get on base and I still have at least one way to pay for things.

Trying not to get my hopes up

Okay so I REALLY need some help...I have taken some tests lately and I need help decifering them. Okay the first picture is two HPTS and an OPK. The OPK definitely had a visible pink line, but it wasn't a positive in OPK standards. The HPTs look like they have a line to me, but I just can't tell.

I'm only on CD 26, and my signs show that I probably ovulated on either CD 16 or 17 (I didn't temp this cycle. So I'm probably 9 or 10 DPO, so I know it's really early. I tested today thought because my LP is fairly short, it was only 11 days last cycle. So I guess I'm going to test in a few days if AF doesn't come in the next few days. So tell me if I'm imagining the lines on the HPTs...lol I'm sure my brain is starting to form them every where I look!!

***update***

Okay I've been obsessively staring at the actual tests ALL night and I've decided that I have FOUR evap lines. Ugh...but I'm not giving up hope yet because I'm only 9 or 10 DPO. So I'll be testing again in a few days

Getting a cat

The other day I came home from work and there was a cat near our stairs so I called it over to me so I could pet it. It was such a cute cat and it was really skinny so I gave it some of the chicken sandwich I had brought home work. I wanted to bring it home with me, but I knew better.

Okay, side tracking real quick. I have a funny story:

When I was a senior in high school I had this boyfriend in the Air Force. He was a very loving man and he treated me like a princess. I had expressed the fact that I wanted a cat (my dad hates cats and wouldn't let me have one), so one day he found this really cute kitten in the bushes and brought it back to his apartment for me. The cat was adorable and we named her Spazi. We had this cat for a few weeks and then we got RING WORM. My poor boyfriend had 60-70 spots on his body because he let the dang cat sleep with him. We had to rub athlete's foot medication on them (ring worm is the same kind of bacteria) and then my dad heard you can put bleach on the spots and it will kill the bacteria. Well, my family had gone camping and I had one on my upper lip so my dad bleached it. The smell of bleach is gross as it is but when it's right under your nose it's especially awful. We definitely learned our lesson: never bring home a stray animal without getting it checked out first.

So after I interacted with this cat I decided that I wanted to get a cat. I love cats. We had a cat when we lived in Texas, but we had to get rid of her. She would have never made the drive with the dogs and she doesn't do well with change and I just didn't want to put her through that. Thankfully she's with this really sweet old lady now and she's the queen of the house. Anyways, I asked J if we could get a new cat and he said yes!! We agreed that we're going to try to adopt a kitten from the pound. Now normally I would try to get a full grown cat because everyone wants kittens, but we want the cat to grow up with the dogs so it's not terrified of them. So hopefully in July (we need to get caught up on bills before we get another animal) I'll be getting a new kitty!!

My Quirks

When I sit and think about myself I realize I'm a very quirky person. I've decided to write a list of things that make me "special" that people may not realize. So here it is:

1. I have a fear of being in large crowds, especially if I end up being touched by people I don't know. It gives me the willies.
2. I have a hard time leaving the house. I have to be in the right mood to be able to go somewhere. Oftentimes I get anxiety attacks, especially if I'm going somewhere I'm not familiar with. I think that if I don't get help I will eventually become an agoraphobic, but I'm too stubborn to get help.
3. I hate holding babies. It's really funny considering I so desperately want a baby of my own. I'm always scared that I'm going to do something wrong and hurt the baby. Hopefully it will be different when I have my own child.
4. I have given up on the idea of ever having my own child. I believe that God wants me to adopt. J and I decided that we'll adopt in a few years if I don't get pregnant so I'm just riding out the time.
5. I'm a very picky eater, but not because of the way food TASTES. I have a big thing about textures and if it doesn't feel right in my mouth it makes me gag and I can't eat it.
6. When I was younger I wanted to be a chef. I wanted to work a cruise ship so that way I could travel.
   
7. I have a problem talking on the phone with people I don't know. I dread having to call to make doctor's appointments, having to call customer support (I had to do this a lot at Lowe's), and calling for food. I make J call whenever we get food delivered and if he's not home I eat pizza because I can order it off the internet.
8. When I was in high school the psychiatrist I was seeing diagnosed me as bipolar. I personally think he was a little of his rocker. I wonder if he had never met a really moody teenager with clinical depression...
9. I've always wanted to learn how to knit, but I'm too impatient to learn

Haylee

I haven't posted in a while (life is very BORING right now) so I thought I'd post some pictures of Haylee. I love showing off my beautiful niece :) She's going to be six months in a little less than two weeks...crazy how the time flies. Before we know it it's going to be December and she's going to be a year. Enjoy the pictures!!

Mickey Ds

I started my new job yesterday and let me tell you I was pretty nervous before I went in. I normally get nervous when I start a new job because I have to go through the process of meeting new people again, which I hate (I'm a very antisocial person). So not only was I nervous about being the "new person", I was nervous about not remembering how to do anything.

I worked at McDonalds back in high school. McDonalds was my first job EVER and I worked there for three years (the longest I've EVER held a job) and worked my way up to swing manager before I left. It's also been three years since I worked there.

Well let me tell you, I was nervous for nothing. I'm doing pretty good (there have been things I've had to get use to) and things are coming back as I go. It's just like riding a bike (I wonder if I can do that, it's been years since I've ridden one!!). The store manager was in there tonight and she told me as I walked back that she's been hearing good things about me (I haven't had the privilege of actually working with her yet). I looked at her and had to ask her to repeat herself just be sure...I'm glad that they're talking about me and it's GOOD things!!

I've had fun so far and I'm so glad to be out of the house, but ask me in a month and we'll see how I feel then :)

Light at the End of the Tunnel

You know I've done a lot of thinking about the whole TTC situation and here's what I've come up with. With military health insurance they do not cover ART procedures. They only cover fertility drugs (only for use with natural methods of conceiving) and any testing to figure out cause of infertility. My theory is, there is a chance that even when you go through fertility treatments there is still a chance you end up with no baby in the end. Because of this fact we have decided that instead of spending our money on something that may not work, if we cannot get pregnant with fertility drugs or on our own we are adopting. At least I will know that our efforts will end in with a child that way.

So since I wanted to be a mom by 25, if I'm not pregnant we will start the adoption process if we're not pregnant by the time I turn 25. I thought giving up on IUIs and IVFs would make me sad, but knowing there is eventually light at the end of the tunnel puts me at ease. It makes trying easier because I know if it doesn't work I will have a baby eventually.

My step mom told me when I found out it would be hard to conceive that maybe I was meant to be one of those people who is meant to be a mom to a child that wouldn't otherwise have one. That statement at the time pissed me off, but now I find truth in it, and even better I find comfort in it.

So that is our current plan (I did talk to J about what I thought and he agreed), so we'll see what happens next.

I'm BAAACK

Hey ladies!! I know I have been MIA for a while now, I'm such a bad blogger :) Things have been pretty uneventful here in Florida, lets see if I can get y'all caught back up:

• Having J back has been wonderful. I've already been through my first cycle, which was a bust...the only bad part about it was my LP was only 11 days, but I did ovulate which I was pretty excited about!!
• My friend had her baby while we were there. She is one of the few people that I wasn't jealous when they got pregnant because she has scarring on her ovaries so they told her it would be hard for her to get pregnant. So I couldn't help but be happy when I saw that beautiful baby boy!!
• We had a great time in Texas and Oklahoma. It rained the whole weekend we were in Oklahoma and we had to drug my dog (the gold one) because he's a puss and is scared of thunderstorms. I loved spending time with my niece. She's five months now and I got to feed her and bathe her, which is always fun :)
• I got a job today!! It's only at Mickey Ds, but hey money is money right?? The economy and job market in Jacksonville is CRAP so it was pretty much my only choice.

Well, I think that's about it!! I promise now that things are settled down and back to normal I'll be blogging more!!

He's HOME

So, having him home has been amazing!! The first day he didn't get to come home because he had duty (which meant he had to stay on the ship that night), but I picked him up at 8:30 in the morning yesterday. We spent the whole day together and it was just wonderful. They warned us at our reintegration brief that things may be awkward, but it wasn't at all. And I was so worried about the intimacy part for NOTHING, it was WONDERFULLY AMAZING ;) (giggle, giggle) I attached a picture of their ship and a few pictures of us. I'm SOO HAPPY to have him home though!!

Almost there!!!

It's getting close ladies!!! J will be home in LESS THAN A WEEK!!! It didn't fully hit me until tonight how excited I really am and how much I really did miss him. You know what that means though, time to jump back into BBTs, OPKs, herbal supplements and LOTS of BDing (gotta make up for seven months). It was nice to have a seven month break, but I am definitely ready to jump back on the TTC train. I started taking EPO, Vitex, and baby aspirin. I hope it helps and I figure it couldn't hurt. Oh, and I am now sitting at 200 lbs. It wasn't 10% of my body weight, but it was close and hopefully it helps kick start my ovulation again. Wish me luck and hopefully I won't have to move on to fertility drugs...I've got all my crossables crossed!!

Haylee Pictures

My mom sent me some new pictures of my niece, Haylee today. She's only four months old but she's getting so big!!!

Mom Update

My mom emailed me today and told me that the radiation is shrinking the tumors, but she'll probably have to go through it for a few more months. It's been a slow and steady process, but just keep praying that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel soon...

Nervous

J is coming home in a few weeks and I'm starting to get nervous.

Not nervous to see him, I'm excited as heck for that, but I'm nervous for what is suppose to happen afterwards...ya know in the bedroom...

I always think what if he doesn't find me attractive anymore or what if I don't know how to do it right anymore...and those are just a few of the crazy thoughts that fly through my head when I think about it. I know most of my thoughts are irrational, but I still can't help them.

I know most of the ladies that read this have dealt with deployments before, so I need input please!!!

Beach pictures

My cousin left today...I cried...

I am normally a loner so last night I thought I was ready for her to leave, boy was I wrong. When we got to the airport and they got ready to go through security I started crying. I liked having someone here that I'm really close to, even if it meant I had to have a social life (I'm normally a real homebody). We went to the beach yesterday as our last hurrah and it was a gorgeous day. We had a lot of fun and I posted a picture of my cousin's baby and us. Thank goodness my husband comes home in a few weeks or I would have completely broken down today.

Tornado Warning

I am writing this from the floor in my hallway...yes you heard it right

I was watching Pearl Harbor for the second time tonight (the first time I only caught the last hour) and all of the sudden a tornado warning flashed across my screen. Growing up in the middle of Tornado Alley I knew what to do, but I kinda just sat there. I flipped to local channels, but it's not like in Texas, no one was broadcasting where the tornado was spotted or anything. So then I decided to go outside.

It sounded eerie outside...

So I freaked out and decided to head for the hallway...the puss dog (Henry is scared of thunder) is still with me, Sammie got tired of sitting in the hallway.

The warning has been over for fifteen minutes, but I'm still a little freaked out. There's just been too many run ins in my day.

When I was younger we stayed with my aunt for a week. She was bringing us back to our townhouse and as we were driving through town to get home the sirens were going off. We had seen like 3 funnels (none had touched down thank god) outside of town.

A tornado landed near the house that my dad lived in when we lived in Iowa. My dad was driving my sister and I back to my mom's so we weren't there, but still freaky. That tornado took the roof off of high school in the town.

I was out at my friends house horseback riding and when I came home it turns out there were tornado warnings. The tornado was near the road where I was driving and I didn't even know.

Last summer when J was in "A" school I was out at my parents house and it was storming real bad so I stayed out there until it blew over. I was driving back to my apartment and the lights at the end of the road were out. Turns out there was a tornado like maybe a mile from my apartment.

I've always been lucky, but you never know luck runs out right?? All I can say is bad storms freak me out. I hate that we moved to Florida just for the reason that there are hurricanes here. My favorite place had to be Alaska...you never had thunderstorms, just rain. No tornadoes, no hurricanes...just earthquakes. But never the big ones like in California.

Doggie Jail

I was talking to my dad today and he told me a story that about made me pee my pants...Sooo, I want to share it with you!!!

(Before you read this I need to explain something. My dad and mom bought three Labrador retrievers within a year of each other. They have a yellow one, a black one, and a chocolate one. Affectionately they call Coco the "Mexican" one. It's all a big joke and I don't want anyone to take offense of the story!!)

My dad called and after a few minutes I started asking about a few of my sisters. My sister "C" moved out with her boyfriend about a month ago and she took her dog Coco with her.

I asked How "C" liked living with boyfriend and my dad said: "Good, but Coco got into a Mexican knife fight and got thrown in doggie jail. She narrowly missed the electric chair."

Instantly, I was like "huh?"

So he says this time: "'C' took Coco to a family reunion. She got into a Mexican knife fight. A little girl pulled a knife on her so she bit the little girl. This landed her in the doggie jail for ten days."

Okay, at first I was stunned (and mind you I believed him the entire time) and of course I was like "poor Coco" and then I just busted up laughing...because who could believe a little girl would pull a knife on a dog, but it was still a funny story.

Now here's what really happened. "C" did take Coco to her boyfriend's family reunion. Boyfriend's sister has a daughter (who my baby sister loves) who, according to my dad, Coco was playing with all day with no problems. Coco was taking a nap on the floor and the little girl came up behind her and scared her so Coco nipped at her and got her above the eye (Coco is a big dog). The mom of the little girl is the one who decided that Coco needed to go to "doggie jail" but did raise a stink until FIVE DAYS AFTER her daughter got bitten.

Poor Coco, I'm sure she didn't mean to bite the little girl, she was just scared...

Bleh

So, I'm sick...again!! I think I've been sick more in the past two months than I have in an entire year. Maybe it's stress...maybe it's the fact that I've been around lots of little kids, I dunno. My mom wanted me to go to the doctor and I laughed at her. I know she just wants to make sure that I feel better for when my cousin and her baby comes, but I hate doctors. I'll be fine, ya know?

On a good note, my cousin will be here in FOUR days. We're going to go to the zoo and go out to the beach since my cousin or her son has never been to the ocean. I'm very excited to share that beautiful place with them.

Less than 25 days till J gets home. I'm very excited about that. *doing a happy dance* Lol

Only Half Here

I know I've been a bad poster lately.

I've just been so blah lately. This deployment is starting to strain me and I'm just ready for my hubby to be home. I've tried very hard to keep up appearances with my friends, but lately I've just been more content to stay by myself in the apartment. I've been doing half-a** at school because I just can't concentrate anymore. All I can say is the next forty days need to FLY.

On that note, my cousin will be here in two and a half weeks. I'm very excited to see her and her baby. I haven't seen him in almost a year and he's grown so much. We're going to take him to the zoo (I love the zoo).

My air conditioner was busted the last few days. It hadn't reached more than eighty degrees, but it was like 85 degrees at one point in my apartment and my poor puppies were miserable. And it's only destined to get hotter and muggier down here so I didn't want to keep subjecting them to the miserableness.

I'm excited for the last few weeks before J comes home. I get to pamper myself (I had to scrimp the entire deployment and we finally have quite a bit of extra money, yeay!!), so I'm going to get a pedi and mani and I'm going to buy a new outfit for homecoming. And I'm going to get Henry (my cocker spaniel mix...the pretty golden one) groomed (the poor baby needs it. Sammie I can do by myself and will, but Henry won't let me come near him with clippers, lol.

I'm thinking about trading in my car (PT Cruiser) this summer to buy a truck for my hubby. We currently have two vehicles, but we're selling my husband's truck because it's a standard and I can't drive it while he's always gone because I suck at driving a standard. We can't afford to have two vehicle payments, but we can afford to trade in my car and have a truck payment. Well, I hate my car and J has never had a new vehicle (his first car was a hand me down from his grandma's boyfriend and his truck was his mom's), so I'm very excited to do this. I'm going to try to surprise him, I just hope it works.

Pat on the back

So I just finished doing our taxes for this year and I am feeling like patting myself on that back.

I've never done taxes before and it makes me feel like a grown up. My dad always use to do them and then last year we had them done professionally.

But Megan is a big girl now and is so proud of herself!!!

Happy Birthday to Me

I've always tried to make it seem like my birthday was never a big deal, but really it is. I like everyone acknowledging the fact that it's my day. I like that I have one day out of the year where it's pretty much guaranteed that my dad's going to be nice, what I want for dinner is a big deal, and everything is focused on me. Throughout the rest of the year I kind of just blend into the woodwork, I don't really matter. But then that one day rolls around I get phone calls from people that don't call for months and everyone is nice. I wish it could be like this the rest of the year. But, it's not. So sadly as soon as my special day is over I will fade away again until next year.

Cancer Update

I talked to my stepmom last night.

She's not on chemo for the week. They switched her back to radiation. After the week on radiation they'll do more tests. Depending on what the tests say she'll either start round two of chemo or she'll stay on radiation.

I'm starting to get the feeling that this is more serious than my dad originally let on. I mean cancer is ALWAYS serious, but it's obviously worse than last time (when she just had radiation). And I talked to my sister the other day and SHE told me that mom told her that the cancer was in her chest wall, which is NOT what my dad told me.

I don't know. I just hope that she doesn't have to do more chemo.

And I really hope I don't lose her. I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it scares the s**t outta me.

Updates

Hey ladies, I know I haven't written in a while but there just hasn't been a whole lot going on.

I just got over a stomach virus. I've decided that I'm holing myself up in the house for a while, because it seems everything I visit friends I end up sick again...lol

I'm doing good on the weight loss front. I've lost nine pounds in the past three weeks!!

I started my new classes last week and I'm loving them. I didn't get the best grades in my last two classes. But, I passed, they're over and done with so I'm not sweating it.

I haven't told J that I'm starting to doubt that we should try and have a baby right now. I've been on the fence with this for a while. I've got the bills back in order and the hubby's spending habits back in order and by the time he comes home I'll have a few big ticket items paid off. I'm just so scared that once we do get pregnant that something will happen and we'll not be able to afford a baby. I'm also scared of having to raise the baby by myself because of J never being home. I just don't know what to do, because we both want a baby so badly. So I'm still sitting here debating it. I have time, he won't be home for a few more months.

My cousin is coming down at the end of March!! I'm excited she's finally coming. She was suppose to be here in January and then it turned into February and now it's the end of March. But it'll give me something to do before J comes home. A week after she leaves my mother in law will be here so I'll be plenty busy.

I think that's about it!!

Fur Babies

Okay, just want to add a little happiness to my page so everyone look at my puppies and say AWW!!! Lol

No Babies for Me

Ok, so this is not going to be a positive post, but I am so frustrated with life I need to get everything off my chest.

First off I'm sick. No biggie normally but I've been sick off and on for TWO WEEKS now. It seems like every time I get better something else hits me. Uggh!!!! My friend thinks I have strep (this week it's been my throat and I started losing my voice last night and today) and so I made a doctor's appointment so she'd leave me alone. If you don't remember, I hate doctor's, I'm terrified to go to doctor's. Hopefully I feel fine by Monday and I can cancel it.

Ok, onto my BIG rant. I have decided that I am done with the whole TTC process. When J got back from deployment we were going to start plugging away again, right?? Well my stupid husband has spent ALL our money on this STUPID deployment so I've decided that if we can barely support ourselves, how in the heck are we going to be able to support a baby. My friend V actually put it in a good way. She said "Megan you can't have a baby when you're taking care of a baby right now." She was talking about my husband and he is like taking care of a little kid. It drives me up the WALL!!!

I guess it's better this way anyways. It would have been like I was a single parent because he's NEVER going to be home.

Okay I have to put something positive. I lost 2.4 pounds the first week I started doing Weight Watchers again. YEAY!!

Postive Thoughts

My posts have been downers lately and I hate the negative turn my life has seem to taken. I was always the eternal optimist, trying to find the good in EVERYTHING and now all that seems to flow out of my fingertips is the bad news. So for the next week anything I write is going to be cheery and if it isn't call me on it. So lets see, what good things have been happening?

1. My birthday is in less than a month!!!!!! I love my birthday and this year we're eating pizza. I LOVE PIZZA it's my FAVORITE food EVER!!!!

2. Even though the hubby is off to sea I have people to spend Valentine's Day with. A few friends, with kids in tow, and I are going to one of my favorite restaurants in Jacksonville.

3. I have lost like five pounds since I left my mom's a few weeks ago!!! YEAY!!!!

4. I'm starting two new classes on the 9th. One of them is an Education class, so I'm finally getting into my classes for my major which is awesome. And that means no more English classes, double yeay!!! (English is not my forte)

5. February is the shortest month of the year which means we'll get through it faster and get into March. March is the month before J comes back so that's exciting.

6. J comes back in less than 80 days. We started off with 218 so that's amazing to be under 80.

7. I get to go see my niece again in a few months

Ok, I can go on and on and on. I'm going to make it a point of saying positive things and thinking positive thoughts.

Update

I got an email from my step mom today. She had pneumonia while she was doing radiation so the radiation didn't do what it was suppose to. So the next step...chemotherapy.

I'm devastated...

Everyone keep her in your prayers please

Miscarriage

Two days before I left OKC to come back home my mom and I went out shopping to try to find her some more nice outfits that she could wear to her site visits (my mom is in pharmacy school and they have to go to different pharmacies to get different pharmacy experiences). As we pulled into the parking lot of the shopping center her phone rang.

I could only hear her side of the conversation but after a few minutes of listening I knew who she was talking to and who they were talking about and my heart sunk.

After my mom got off the phone I didn't even give her a chance to tell me what happened.

"K had a miscarriage."

She didn't even have to tell me I knew.

My cousin was pregnant with her second child. I guess when she hit 10 or 11 weeks the baby stopped growing. 3 weeks later my cousin started bleeding and so her mom took her to the emergency room where they told her she had lost the baby.

I actually wrote about this cousin back in November. She already has one baby who is nine months old and for a long time she was on welfare. She's a wonderful mother to her son but I didn't feel she was prepared to have another.

I cried the day I found out she lost her baby. I felt horrible because I held ill feelings towards her because I felt it wasn't fair. We try so hard to have a baby and my cousin is a "fertile mertile." She's one of my best friends and I was MAD at her for not being more careful.

So I cried for not being more supportive and being selfish by wallowing in my self pity longer than I should have.

Chained to the apartment??

Ugh I got another email from my husband today. That stupid j*ck**s (I use that term in the most loving manner, lol) waits weeks at a time to email me (at one point it was a month between emails) and then when I do get emails I get infuriated!!!!

So his email says that he wants to take the laptop with him on his next deployment because "it sucks writing emails on his psp." Really? THEY HAVE COMPUTERS ON THE SHIP. Email me from your ship email doofus. That laptop is MY LIFELINE and he wants to take it away!!!!

Okay I'm going to back up for a minute. Right before J left I decided I wanted to go back to school but I tried that whole sitting in school thing and I hated it so I decided to do classes online. Although we do have computers, a desk top and a laptop, I like being able to have the laptop because it gives me the choice of traveling to see my family if I want (when I went back to Texas and OKC for the month I had classes to do part of the time and I wouldn't have been able to go home if it weren't for the laptop).

SO, him taking the laptop would mean I would be STUCK in the apartment for SEVEN MONTHS and my baby sister is graduating like a month after he would leave so I HAVE to be able to leave Florida.

Now poor J doesn't realize this. He's even offering to fix my desktop (it's crappy and it runs slows and freezes on me a lot) up so I can actually use it. So then why was I in tears when I read his email? I just feel like I am sacrificing so much this deployment and it's just another sacrifice he's asking of me, whether he realizes it or not. Now I haven't told him this, because my email wouldn't have been pretty. But if he wants to take the laptop he better buy me a new one!!!

Haylee Jo

This TTC process has been really hard, so I thought seeing a new baby would just send my blood boiling. In fact, when I first arrived home I refused to hold the baby, made up some lame excuse about "being scared to hold babies" or something stupid like that. Truth is, I'm not afraid to hold babies, I LOVE to hold babies, but it's come to the point I'm so jealous that the babies I'm holding aren't mind that I just try to avoid it at all costs. Well that all changed when I FINALLY held my niece for the first time. She is so freakin adorable that I couldn't hold the fact she wasn't mine against her.

I mean who could resist that face??

So now I tote the title of Aunt proudly. I love Miss Haylee unconditionally and it makes me sad that we're not closer so I can see her more. I hope that when I finally do get the blessing of my own child he/she is as adorable and as lovable as my niece is.

Chemo

I've been waiting to post this for a few reasons. First, I was trying to let everything sink in and trying to get settled back in Florida. And then when I got ready to post I didn't want to make it seem I was just posting because of what was happening to Candi's mom (I hate it to seem like I try to steal people's spot light, even if that wouldn't have been the case).

Anyways, here goes:

My mom and I were driving back to OKC from Iowa (we had to go up to help my grandparents clean up because of a water pipe that burst in their house while they were away) and my dad called.

Quick detour to make the story make sense: My stepmom had to have a lump removed from her breast the day after I arrived in Texas. This is the third one they've found so far (starting back when I was in high school), the first one was cancerous the other one wasn't. This lump has grown quicker than the other two did, it grew at an alarming rate and it might have EXPLODED (my mom's words not mine) if they hadn't removed it. Anyways they did the testing on the lump which catches us up to my story.

Well, my dad calls to tell me the test has come back on my mom's (stepmom but her and my dad have been married FOREVER she's been part of my life since I was nine and once upon a time she was more of a mom than my biological mom was) lumpectomy and it's cancerous...

All he tells me is that they're going to have to do three weeks of radiation and that was that. I never asked when they were starting, what happens if it doesn't work, NOTHING...I was in a state of shock.

Well, he called me a few days ago to see if I had made it home and I found the courage to ask the questions I couldn't ask before. This is what I found out:

• She has already started radiation
• When she finishes the radiation they will do more tests to see if it cleared up the hot spots around where the lump was
• If the radiation doesn't work she'll have to go through chemotherapy

CHEMOTHERAPY!?!?! By then I was choking back the tears, I didn't want my dad to hear me cry. When the first lump turned up cancerous she had to go through the radiation and that was all it took. But even the mention of chemotherapy scares the s*** out of me. I know that it's a little too early to tell if she'll have to go that far, but something about this feels different. The fact that the lump grew SO QUICKLY makes me think that it's not going to be as easy this time around. But then again I may be wrong.

I hope to God I'm wrong...

Oops

So, I really hate technology right now...

J called me the night that I arrived to OKC, but I was so tired that I slept like a baby. I was sleeping so hard that I didn't even hear the phone ring when he called (a rarity for me anymore!!). In that first voice mail he said that he would try to call back New Year's Day.

So I kept the phone right under my pillow and made sure it was set to the LOUDEST ringer on my phone so there was no chance that I would miss another phone call. New Year's came and went without a phone call, so I was SEEING RED because I totally thought that he had forgotten about me.

Fast forward to today. My mom and I might be driving up to Iowa tomorrow to go help her parent's so I went to call my grandma (dad's mom) to tell her so that way I could go visit her also when we got there (they live in the same town). My phone wouldn't let me put any calls through, but I figured it was just because I wasn't getting any bars in the garage. So I eventually called my phone from my mom's and it went straight to voice mail. Weird, I had paid the bill and it's ON so why would it go straight to voice mail?

So I went inside and turned it off and then back on and all the sudden five texts pop up on my phone, and....a voice mail. I checked the voice mail and it was J!!!! My stupid A** phone froze and so I missed his phone call AGAIN!!!!!! And here I was pissed at him because I thought HE had forgotten about me and all along it was my phone being a jack***.

Now I feel horrible because to me it looks like I ignored him (I don't know if he thinks of it that way, but you never know) and here I was about ready to kill him because I thought he was having "too good of a time" to call me.

Uggh I hate this d*** phone!!!

Halfway Point

December 30th was the halfway point for this deployment. So we've finally reached the hump and it's downhill from here. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Every time I see him again after being away for a while I'm always scared that what attracted him to me will be magically gone and then our marriage will be done. It's such a paranoid thought, but he's seeing exotic women around the world and I'm a frumpy housewife from Nebraska. How can I compare? Ugh, I can be a neurotic mess sometimes.

Goals for the New Year

The year of 2008 really wasn't a good year for me. My husband was gone for most of it and I really felt lost without him. So, I've been reflecting on what a crappy time I had and I've decided that I'm going to make 2009 better. I've made a list of goals (I like the word goals instead of resolutions personally).

-I've decided that I need to find a job. I hate feeling like I'm mooching (I know that it's "our" money but I've always been independent financially), but I don't want just any job. I want a job that I feel some sort of satisfaction at so I don't end up job hopping until I'm done with school just because I hate what I do.

-I really want to take a vacation. In a perfect world I would want to travel to another country just because the only one I've ever been to is Canada and I aspire to be a world traveler. But I figure I'll compromise to visit somewhere in the US that I haven't been to yet. So by the end of 2009 I will have gone to Disney World at least once. I figure it's close to home and I've ALWAYS wanted to go there ever since I was a little kid.

-Ideally I would like to be debt free by the start of 2010. Unfortunately, we have too much debt for that to be a reality so I'm settling for having half the credit card debt paid off. We have approximately $8000 so I figure $4000 paid off is a reasonable goal for a year.

-I really hate the fact that I rarely get to see my husband because of the Navy. So I've decided that I am going to make the time we do have this year the best it can be. When he's home date nights will be instituted again (I'm a real homebody so it's hard for me to want to go out sometimes) and I will try to make sure we're not going to the same places EVERY TIME because it sucks falling in a rut.

-I also want to be moved out of our apartment. Realistically we're not in a place in our life where we can buy a house, but I at least want to rent one. I want a place for my pups to be able to play (Henry loves being outside) and get the outdoor exposure that they desire. I'm also tired of having people all around me and it would be nice to have a little space.

If you haven't noticed, I mentioned nothing about TTC or being pregnant by next year. I feel that if I stress on setting a "goal" of becoming pregnant and it doesn't happen I will feel like a failure. I understand that it's out of my hands right now (especially since there's no guarantee how much time J will be home before the next deployment). So right now I'm taking a "if it happens great, if it doesn't it's not the end of the world" approach to keep my sanity in check.